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Comment by Supermancho | Hacker News Reader

> This is basically a red flag for any relationship. If the only thing making or allowing a person to be happy in life is their partner then something is wrong

When you get older, a partner (or children) are important to keep you going. Your body will fail you. Your mind will fail you. Your life will end and (statistically) it will be a long downward slope. Binding yourself to the right person keeps that slope more even, for longer.

People who think being alone is great are right, until some point after the slide begins that has slowly eaten away at your own ability.

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You have a point, but in this case the author of the article says:

> I was a bit of an oddity in that I was anticipating marriage since early adolescence; that outsized-value for relationships came with what I feel were comparably overgrown feelings of loneliness. I got absurdly lucky when I found my wife, but I spent every day without her more or less miserable. It’s arguable she’s the only reason I’m able to be happy.

So it's not old age, but youth in his case that was unhappy until he met his wife. That does look like a red flag to me. Suppose his marriage goes south, will his (ex) wife now be responsible of not only ending the marriage, but also of ending all possible happiness in his life? That's an unreasonable burden to place on her.

> So it's not old age, but youth in his case that was unhappy until he met his wife.

Some people feel the existential dread before it is realized. This is shared by both sexes and sometimes expressed at absurdly young ages without prompting.

Yes, that's absolutely correct. In my case at least I remember occasionally waking up when I was very young in hysterics because of general existential dread related to death.

I remember becoming interested in finding a life partner from as young as 7 or 8. I spent my teens and early 20s turning off girls with my seriousness and didn't manage to get laid until my late 20s. I was sore about it at the time, but in retrospect I'm glad I didn't meet with more success because I likely would have ended up marrying someone who would not have been a suitable lifelong match.

Would finding a romantic partner help with existential dread related to death? You will not only worry about your own death, but that of your partner's as well. Some degree of this is normal and expected, as it's part of being human, but if it reaches the pathological levels described by the author of TFA...

> Would finding a romantic partner help with existential dread related to death?

For me it did not.

I agree with this. Maybe it doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel it can apply to most people.

For a while, I could have been described as "incel" (as in the literal description of the term, not the negative connotations it has picked up). I was not exactly popular with the ladies, and my dating history was close to nonexistent. My now wife was my first girlfriend and we met when I had pretty much thrown in the towel and given up on romantic relationships.

In an alternate version of my life I could have lived the single life and filled it with other activities and material possessions. I could imagine myself being happy to some extent living like that into my 30s, my 40s, maybe even early 50s. But after that?

Now I can't imagine life without her at my side.

I think there is a lot to be said for having a life partner that is beyond just a good friend and always has your back (yes I'm aware not all relationships/marriages are functional). Especially as the two of you grow older.

I feel the same about kids. We don't have immediate plans for kids. Right now we can imagine living without kids forever, but at the same time we also feel this will change and we'll regret not having one when we are in our 50s 60s or 70s, etc.

> People who think being alone is great are right,

I think the critical part is the "only thing" in the quote.

The same thought expressed as "she makes me happy" and "she's the only thing that makes me happy" are different because of the implied loss of everything (that you will give up everything else that could make you happy to have this person stay).

> until some point after the slide begins that has slowly eaten away at your own ability.

I'd say that is pragmatic, but a very selfish thought.

My parents were taught that by their society ("successful kids" == "retirement plan"), but they didn't follow through with that thought during our upbringing - if anything, they thought they were paying it forward.

For an american comparison, the silent generation of America were a lot like my parents in their attitude towards the future (bright, but built for the kids).

> I think the critical part is the "only thing" in the quote

This is editorial added by the commenter, which is incidental to the point and does not purport to even hold the meaning of "she's the only thing that makes me happy". This is not literally meaning "the only happiness I feel". Ostensibly, the man still finds happiness in sleeping, eating, etc but a good partner fills a particular kind of happiness that is near impossible to replace.

Yes, but that's different. And certainly "empty nest syndrome" is a thing too, but I think there's a large difference between acclimating to a new normal and general mental/physical degradation vs starting out in this mental state in the beginning of your life.

I like doing everything with my wife. It would be hard imagining life without her! Or my kids. But I wasn't an unhappy mess before I met her.

So it seems like old age is the right time to start relationships, as almost everyone will be a lot more willing to start one, and exclusivity will be valued a lot more for practical reasons

I think the word "only" is key in that sentance.

While I love being in a relationship, you go too far to imply that all humans need a relationship. There are many people in history who have lived on their own, even as hermits, and been happy that way. Perhaps it's not the right lifestyle for you, but your lifestyle isn't the right fit for everyone else either.

> until some point after the slide begins that has slowly eaten away at your own ability.

Whats your commentary on people who marry and then divorce very late in life like Bill Gates? After all if the primary purpose was to protect against this aggressively lonely stage in life -- no fault divorce has thrown that guarantee out the window.

They seem to now be in the same position as long term single people -- except it's a massive uprooting stressor placed on you in your final years.

A couple billion dollars generally ensures you'll have maximum potential capability until you expire.

Right but the example wasn't a billionaire per se -- just someone who divorced late in life. Bill Gates just being a good recent example of that.

So you are saying to marry is a way to earn yourself a free nurse in old age? I say better make enough money to pay for a nurse.

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