Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
>Do you tend to have emotional responses to the behaviors of others, or do negative behaviors roll off your back (like so much water off a duck's feathers)?
>Most people feel bad when people act like assholes. Feeling bad enough, frequently enough, is cause for changing jobs for most people.
So, I definitely get a bit ruffled when people are assholes, but I've also never found myself in a job where I can't at least push back on rude people and stake out some boundaries. In other words, I may not like interacting with some of the mean people, but I can find a way to work successfully with them, and ideally, even get past initial difficulties. When someone is dysfunctional enough, I frankly try to find ways to avoid that individual. Usually, if someone is that dysfunctional, everyone in the business knows it, and are trying to avoid them all the same.
A big fear I have is the distinction between a "truly dysfunctional person" and "someone who the interviewer didn't like during the interview." At least in my experience, first impressions aren't worth very much. And despite the fact that they aren't worth much, I've seen a number of people act as if their first impressions contain accurate and valuable information.
And, I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that I'm very afraid that someone will not like a good candidate during an interview, but would actually like them quite a bit once they actually got to work with them. I've actually just watched this scenario play out at my most recent job. Me and my team members interviewed a candidate who was very quiet and very shy. Those team members did not want to hire him because they were afraid he'd be a "poor fit." From talking to him, I felt that he seemed to be very intelligent, and so I vouched for him heavily. In hindsight, this has gone very well: he's one of the most productive members of the team, and is generally well liked. At worst, he hasn't had any conflicts with anyone. If I had not stepped it, it is unlikely he would have been hired, simply because people did not like his personality.
>I'm confused by "you're not really a business". Are you the business owner at most of your jobs? Or do you tend to identify with the business you work for, sort of letting your ego merge with that of the organization during working hours?
This is something I've struggled to articulate well, but I suppose I'm drawing a hard distinction between "accomplishing a specific work function," and "really liking a person I work with." Now, I'm not blind. I understand that there is some correlation here: a team of people who hate each other will generally be less effective than a team of people who all get along really well. I guess what I mean is that it feels to me that people are heavily prioritizing friends over function. Or, that people believe (incorrectly in my view) that if they find somebody disagreeable, it will be impossible to resolve differences and develop a good working relationship. In other words, the whole point of a business it to successfully complete some set of tasks. (build a thing, provide a service, etc.) I feel that if you too heavily prioritize working with people you like, eventually you're putting your social preferences ahead of actually running the business. In other words, we can all agree that all things being equal, a team of people that works well together will be more successful than one that does not. But what about a team of below average people who like each other a lot, vs. a team of brilliant geniuses who aren't much fun to be around? Clearly the choices between these two options will not always be that cut and dry. (and I've only provided a cut and dry example for the ease of explanation, not because I feel it is the most common scenario.) But, I feel that sociability is overemphasized because it preferred, not necessarily because it is successful. Does that help clear up what I was trying to communicate?
> I think saying "you're at a social club, too", is not a right way to frame it. A place of business is by definition a place where people are doing things together: business is social. Most people want to do social activities with people they can at least tolerate if not enjoy being around.
> Now, if you are not of such a psychological make up that it really matters to you who you spend the majority of your waking time around, and you're able to compartmentalize strongly, then, it makes sense why you would be in the minority on this subject.
Hmm. I this is a good insight, and I'm struggling with how to reply. I guess if I were being completely honest I might say ... I don't need to compartmentalize when it comes to getting along with a rough personality. I'm a bit weird socially, but despite this, have not really had trouble working with a wide variety of personalities. Where I do often have to compartmentalize is when thinking about the business itself. For example, if a powerpoint presentation is completely meaningless, but nonetheless gets a good reception, I will "compartmentalize" in the sense that I know better than the waste time critiquing it. Or, I might "compartmentalize" in the sense that if someone says "I love working for this company!" I would politely offer some affirmation, rather than saying something negative. In truth, I think most companies aren't really something to be proud of in the moral sense. They offer services, and either have successful business models, or else do not. It might be possible to be proud of the intellectual achievements of a company, but often then, the intellectual achievements are in service of something which is a waste of time. (ie, there's no way I'm anywhere near as talented as a Facebook engineer, but I think they can only be proud of their work in the strict intellectual sense. The problem was very hard, and perhaps few people could solve it. But the actual outcome of their work is meaningless.)
Now, I recognize that this doesn't actually do much to support my original argument, but I definitely wanted to answer you honestly since you wrote such a thoughtful reply. I suppose what I'm struggling with here is: are other people compartmentalizing too? Or do they really believe that their work is meaningful? If other people are compartmentalizing, then it feels very arbitrary to me to gleefully accept some corporate myth, but then to draw a line in the sand regarding having a teammate you like. I suspect people would call this a false dichotomy. But to me, it feels like an oddity.
> I think it could be important for you to realize that this is not really a matter of opinion in the sense of "a perspective on things that can be changed by experience or new information". This is really about folks' fundamental psychological make up.
I think you're probably right here, which is why I appreciate your response, and why I've tried to write so thoroughly and candidly. Even if this perspective always feels alien to me, I'd still like to understand it better. So, thanks again.