A masterfully executed satire!
The paranoid part of me worries this will be used for real in the future.
The thing with building abstractions is, once you cover enough pieces to make a complete abstraction, people might run away with it and build castles on top, completely ignoring that the abstraction is implemented in terms of a joke. And once enough software is built on it, it'll be easier to start optimizing the joke to work faster than to get rid of it...
(Also, I don't see any mention what happens to the NFT when the nft_ptr goes out of scope.)