> Bad actors exist and will do this with checks or lightning, game theory applies to both
It does, but with lightning, as long as you are watching the chain periodically, you are guaranteed to not lose money. The same cannot be said for checks.
> It doesn't matter if you're watching the chain, you've already transacted with the buyer
It does matter if you watch the chain - this is how you determine if your counterparty is trying to close out the channel with an out of date state (at which point you can submit an onchain transaction that corrects the problem + collects a penalty from your counterparty).
> 3P Escrow is not unique to Lightning and is sometimes used with checks too
Watchtowers are not anything like escrow. It's simply allowing a third party to submit penalty transaction iff your counterparty attempts to submit an out of date state. They do not take custody of your funds.