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Comment by do_not_cancel32 | Hacker News Reader

I am in my late 20s and a senior engineer at FAANG. I am conventionally attractive and have been asked out by numerous women over the years, even when I did not have my FAANG salary. However, I have had very few sexual partners.

The article has four ideas on why men like me have fewer partners. That men lack the money for partners, that the top 10% of men outcompete the bottom 90% on social media apps, that at least some of these men are homosexuals, that men prefer pornography over the actual act.

The answer for me (maybe not you) is the fourth one, "Rise of the tube sites." It is easy to fit a tube site into my schedule. It is hard to fit another human in to my schedule. After going on a tube site, I have no incentive to go to parties, go on tinder or to otherwise meet women. If I did not have tube sites, I likely would have gotten married in college when my future earnings potential became obvious.

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It's definitely a combination of all the things you've mentioned. Also men don't meet women if all they do is play games. I am a gamer myself and see this happening all around me.

I'm curious why a relationship with another person isn't something you'd want to prioritize. What fills your hours, and moreover, what fills your mental needs to such an extent that it can override biological imperatives?

I mostly just fill my time with work and hobbies. The rest of the time I spend alone with myself.

Doesn't fill the mental needs, but you just get better at suppressing them over the years.

Would be nice to meet someone who shared my interests and take on life, but the only ones I've found don't find me particularly attractive or already got snatched up. And what's the point of starting a relationship with someone who doesn't share your interests and take on life? Fear of dying alone? That doesn't seem to me to be a good enough reason.

Eh, well, dying alone doesn't seem too bad in an era where you can literally pursue any fascinating hobby you want with relatively low startup costs (FPV drones, dirt bikes, rock climbing, backpacking around the world, you name it).

I feel you. Something to consider though, regarding shared interests: I have found it more pleasing to learn about somebody else's interests rather than simply affirming my own. Eventually it tends towards each side learning to like the others interests, or at least be familiar with them.

The problem I see is the lack of genuine interest in many. I don't really think that (in general) "video games" or "the office" or "anime" are interests, unless it becomes either uncomfortably obsessive (negative) or creation (positive). Same can go for things like hiking, board games, partying... these are activities, not really interests. People seem afraid to expose what truly interests them even long into a relationship.

Your point about interests is interesting.

What would you consider an interest that would catch your attention?

If hiking is an activity, then would the interest be 'getting outdoors.'

Is there a biological imperative for a male other than orgasming, which ostensibly, content from a website can accomplish?

My understanding is some asexual people can experience romance but not obtain any pleasure from sex.

This suggests there are parts of the brains of (some, perhaps most men) looking for something which you can't get from orgasming.

Probably because it’s a lot of work.

Yes, but why would you want to replace a partner with a tube site?

Because it can be more convenient. You could ask this about a lot of things. Why replace a powerful desktop with a laptop? Why replace vinyls/CDs with MP3s? Why drink Soylent instead of eating a meal? It's a trade-off that some people choose.

You can certainly ask that about a lot of things, in the context of commodities. Human companionship is hardly one of them.

That's just like your opinion, man. Not everyone values sexual relationships the same way you seem to. Aside from the example of the comment parent, Japan has an interesting cultural phenomenon of "herbivore men" characterized by a general indifference to marriage and committed relationships.

You're talking about something different then. The existence of tube sites should have no effect on people that already didn't care about sex and relationships. The point I responded to said that these sites are a main reason why certain men aren't pursuing sex.

No I'm talking about the same thing. Herbivore men don't care about marriage and committed relationships, that is different from not caring about their basic sexual needs which they do. As asexuality is not very common, they still need to satisfy basic biological impulses. Tube sites can replace sex as the primary way to satisfy sexual needs in the same way laptops replace desktops as the primary way to satisfy computing needs, or the way Soylent replaces cooked food as the primary way to satisfy hunger. Tube sites allow men who don't care about marriage and committed relationships to avoid pursuing sex through courtship & relationships the way their biology compels them to.

If your primary or sole motivation to get married would have been to secure a sexual partner, it probably saved a lot of trouble to have filled that space with porn.

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