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Comment by yowlingcat | Hacker News Reader

> I wish I had that perspective earlier in my life. It completely changes the solution space from trying random productivity tools to focusing on one's emotions and possibly getting into therapy.

Hear, hear. For me, it was also figuring out how to cut out unneeded aggravations from my life.

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> cut out unneeded aggravations

Some people? There is a thin line between cutting out people who step onto you, and becoming misanthropic/associal. Since lockdowns I went from 60 friends to ~4, because I can’t stand them and I’ve come to realize their politics directly harm me. But now I’m alone. Working on this, but it is a very thin line.

You pay the price for your politics.

I see you getting downvoted for a profoundly true statement. These are sad times.

I don't know if this person is saying they disagree with their friends on politics or if the vitriol in their friends' political speech is harmful to them. If the latter, I sympathize: most political conversations today are so filled with hate that "direct harm" to listeners is not unreasonable to claim.

Most of the time, when someone's said something like "their politics directly harm me", it's something like "the policies implied by the positions this guy's professing (or directly advocated for) would have bad effects for me". Could be wrong, obviously- it's a pretty vague phrase. But I'm sympathetoc- if they hold a certain position, and cultivate a certain identity, and that makes certain other positions disgusting to them to the point they cut out friends- good for them, I guess, and I get that being alone isn't pleasant. But that's the price you pay for being the kind of person who responds that way.

I guess presumably he would have gotten new, less offensive friends if the governments of the world hadn't made it illegal.

(How'd he end up friends with these people in the first place?)

Well, when it comes to work I think it pays to be a lot more ruthless with cutting out aggravations. But when it comes to friendships, I think the situation is a lot more gray. For me personally, as I've gotten older, I've found that it's rare for me to have close friendships with people who are too politically minded. It's a matter of practicality -- I find myself asking, can this person really hold enough space to tend to our friendship on an ongoing basis, or will it become lopsided and a real downer?

On the other side of that -- I've found that I've also begun to gravitate much more to folks who are either expressly apolitical or who otherwise are willing to set aside their politics and focus more on the people around them. Now, it's true that politics isn't just some purely abstract thing -- it's very concrete, and as you say, sometimes folks have politics that directly harm you and then you can't really maintain friendships with them.

But beyond that, I've gravitated much more to having close friendships with people who simply care about me, and that's it. Another thing I would say is that 4 friends -- if they're truly good, close friends, who will see you through thick and thin -- is quite a lot. I can count maybe 4-8 close friends who I could rely on to that extent, and I consider myself extremely lucky as many folks rarely find even 1-2. If you do have 4 close friends, perhaps consider the silver lining -- sure, you've pared down your circle of interaction, but that also gives you more energy to invest into the friendships that really matter and which sustain you.

My heart goes out to you regardless. That doesn't make this process simple. And having seen a lot of friendships drop in perhaps the same manner you have, I can say (perhaps as you too understand) that it really hurts. It stings. Even if I understand why it happens, and it all logically adds up, it really breaks my hurt. It's okay to feel heartbroken that way. Don't be too hard on yourself. This past year has been extremely hard on everyone. Best of luck.

I think there's a case to be made for cutting out those things, especially ones that aren't directly visible, such as ambient noise.

Many people think you get used to it, and maybe you don't consciously notice it anymore, but I think that the permanent background noise to which many people are exposed in cities contributes to their stress levels. Pretty much everywhere they go, there's constant noise:

* random chatter / noises in the open office

* AC hum / vibrations / etc at the office

* traffic noise, while walking around or taking public transport

* random traffic noise / honks / etc at home if the apartment is close to a street and badly soundproofed

You read my mind! I moved out of a big city after lockdowns, and I realized that many of these little ambient noises or mental frictions which I had grown accustomed to -- it turns out that once I cut that out, it reduced my stress levels. I think there are a lot of parallels to draw from there to the workplace or other walks of life.

Yep. I work with ear protection on (of the sort you'd use for mowing the lawn) most of the time for precisely this reason. I've found my anxiety levels are much lower after several hours of wearing them.

Even before lockdowns, I found that my sanity levels went up significantly once I started moving to using Etymotic in-ear monitors. I used a fairly cheap pair for commuting and work [1]. The nice thing about them is that even if you don't have any music playing, they're effectively earplugs. And then if you do have music playing, you don't have to turn it up very loud to hear it well, so it's kinda a win win all around.

[1] https://www.etymotic.com/consumer/earphones/mk5.html

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