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Comment by mumblemumble | Hacker News Reader

This is my experience. I disconnected from social media, and my social life immediately died. Friends only communicate with each other through Facebook, so I'm really only staying in regular contact with my very closest friends anymore. Most of it I don't miss, because social media has also reduced the quality of communication to the level of gossip, but what I do miss out on is any sort of invitations to social gatherings.

It also eliminates opportunities to make new friends. It's surprisingly difficult to find a knitting group in my area that doesn't organize using Facebook Groups, for example.

It frankly worries me. In the past, we worried about monopolies on things like oil and diamonds. I'm not sure our culture has the tools to cope with a monopoly on participation in society.

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I deleted my social media almost ten years ago and I feel like I have a stronger social network now than I had before. The key thing I think I may have done differently is that I got involved in things that provided opportunities to be engaged with people.

For example; I joined my local Masonic lodge and started doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Between those two things alone I find I have regular enough interactions with a variety of different people that I naturally find out about, and am invited to events and activities that more than make up for the loss of social media.

I'm not suggesting everyone join a Masonic lodge (obviously) or take up Jiu-Jitsu. There are a great number of things everyone can do that gets them around other people in a way that is natural and fulfilling.

Also--and this, I find, is critical--all my old friends are still friends and they call or email or text me and I them. Anyone who claimed to be my friend but couldn't be bothered to get in touch with me after I dropped social media was never a very good friend to begin with.

My view is if people stop contacting you just because you dropped off of some social media platform, they weren't really friends to begin with. When I ditched Facebook about 10 years ago, I lost contact with a whole bunch of people who weren't really part of my life anyway, they were simply "names I recognized." On the other hand, it had no effect on my actual friendships or family connections. We all know how to contact each other and we do. My social life is probably better after dropping social media simply because I'm spending less time scrolling in front of a screen.

So, it's not that opportunities to socialize don't exist. It's that an ever increasing number of them are being mediated through social media. Which means that the list of non-social-media options in one's community likely caters to an ever decreasing variety of interests.

You can use social media, without using social media. Let me explain.

For example I tangentally consider meetup groups to be social media, but the entire point is that you actually meet people in real life. That led to me meeting one of my partners in 2019

I also do keep a Facebook around so when I meet people traveling I can just add them easily, I almost never ever use anything aside from Facebook messenger, and to maybe view a few events that my friends are organizing.

I think the key way to think about Facebook is that it's original purpose, keep talking to your college friends, wasn't bad. It's just it's mutated purpose of trying to spread mis information, spreading gossip, and bullying are absolutely disgusting.

Everybody at my Jiu-Jitsu academy knows I don't have social media. Until COVID that was never really a problem.

After the first shutdown lifted somewhat, the health department mandates requires us to be part of small "pods" to help contain any spread (as an aside, that has worked surprisingly well considering how close in contact people are) We're also restricted to a limited number days we can train so pod members have to coordinate with each other the classes we're planning to attend so that we don't show up and be the only guy or gal in our pod that night.

You know how we invariably coordinate? Email or text. Primarily email in fact. It wasn't planned or dictated by anyone. It just worked out that way.

I can echo this. I'm social media lite. I have very few social media platforms and that ones I have are limited or automated so I don't interact with them often.

I had to be deliberate about telling people I'm not going to see their post about xyz so they would have to text or call me if they want to invite me. Sure I probably miss some events but the ones I go to I know I'm wanted at.

Socializing passively at a gym or Jiu-Jitsu or some type of class is the main way I've built friend groups over the years.

I’d like to echo the socializing part. Granted it’s hard right now because of covid restrictions, but if you’ve deleted your social media you have to get yourself out there and socialize the analog way. Don’t be shy to say hi to people. Ask them what they are doing. Socialize at your regular routine stops. Reach out to that person you only kinda know from that thing one time and see if they want to come to something you’re doing.

You’ll find people are very willing to discuss things if you initiate. This is how we did it before social media and it’s by far the more pleasant way. Just don’t be a jerk, you’ll be fine.

MeetUp is a great resource too. I’ve even asked randoms on NextDoor if they want to meet up at the pub. There are ways to be social without the big social media platforms.

Oh sure. Talking to strangers, those strangers turning into acquaintances, and those acquaintances turning into friends is an art that seems to be lost. It's much more common in smaller towns where you only have so many people to choose from and see the same people over and over.

I definitely struggled with something similar when I first deleted Facebook. It's definitely harder in terms of "discoverability" to connect with people you enjoy spending time with.

But over time that difficulty lessened. I found the connections I made outside of Facebook were longer lasting and more meaningful, because there was actually some onus on me to try and stay engaged. And people do respond well when you demonstrate you care to engage in a deeper fashion. It feels like relationship building / maintenance in today's age is something of a lost art, because it's become so easy to superficially connect without putting in a bunch of work.

The big social platforms make you want to believe there's a monopoly on societal participation. Pushing back against that energy is such a powerful thing, even if it's somewhat isolating in the short-term.

After leaving facebook a few years ago, I noticed at first that it was difficult to find out about social events. And I felt more disconnected.

After a while, though, it just sort of filtered the events down to those I cared more about. My good friends still reach out directly and vice versa. I think it took a while for that to start happening though.

I've lost touch with many acquaintances, but if I'm being honest it's probably better that I don't expend energy on those people. I'm certainly not isolated from society, though. I just engage on my own terms.

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