Comment by S_A_P | Hacker News Reader

Comment by S_A_P | Hacker News Reader

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Maybe this is oversharing, but maybe not. I have shades of this in myself. I have a much smaller friend group than many folks and a cynical take on most peoples motivations. I can say that some of why I feel this way is just "how Im bent" and some is from childhood experiences of having my trust betrayed or my naivety taken advantage of. Throw in a bit of unpredictable mom behavior and I generally dont want to owe anything to anyone.

When I first meet people Im more than happy to share, give of myself, etc. Usually I will either feel that gestures are not reciprocated, or taken for granted, so I pull back. Ive wondered if I feel like Im expecting too much of my generosity and I think Ive been guilty of that before. At this point though I think I have reflected enough and changed to where this is not the case.

Long term- I feel like being social requires me to "be on" which is exhausting to me. I would rather only see people when I can be decent company so I end up seeing people much less than more socially adept folks...

You might just be an HSP: https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwh...

I've had this problem in many contexts. Some of it stems from childhood circumstances, but it's also that I often read people better than they seemingly know themselves, i.e., noticing anger that they don't think they have. This can cause a lot of stress.

From the about portion of that, it mostly reads like symptoms of people with Schizoid Personality Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder. While it can be a good survival trait in the grand scheme of things, culturally in the US it's as useful as being born poor.

It's pretty different. My kid had it, and there were some things we did early to help him study, but nothing like either of those disorders. It's more tied to very high empathy.

However, you do have to learn how to avoid taking on other people's emotional burdens.

Or on the autism spectrum. A lot of people with HFA/asperger's would describe their inner experience as very much like 'HSP' even if from the outside they wouldn't be obviously considered so.

I can relate to some of your quirks. I am now 50+, with 3 kids, and I've left most of the quirks behind.

I used to always try to please others. My dysfunctional family liked it that way. It made their life easier. That was one of the last quirks to go. It was only after being forced into being assertive to defend my kids, I've realized that it is ok to stand up for yourself. Life's been much better since, surprisingly, most people appreciate assertiveness. And being assertive is not nearly as exhausting as being nice.

It was a long journey, started with therapy 25 years ago.

I have the same issue as well. Often I feel like people are taking advantage of me. I feel like I have a good sense of people's intentions even before they say them. Also if I don't receive reciprocation in any way, it further reinforces to me the taking advantage of belief.

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