Hacker News Reader

Comment by DoreenMichele | Hacker News Reader

I was talking about (online) support groups. It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

View on HN

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

Your friend is angry, and likely at himself, even if he won't admit it. I've been that way too, which is probably why this comment from Jean-Luc Picard (TNG: S04E12) struck a chord with me:

"I think when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like old leather. And, finally, it becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way."

It's mostly about moderating, but maybe it will be helpful to you/someone:

https://witnesstodestruction.blogspot.com/p/a-pragmatic-appr...

I have always struggled, in real life and online, with people who talk about their complex lives. This gives great advice for how to approach the situation with empathy for them and for the group. Thanks for posting this!

To add a perspective here: Being offered help, especially in a way that says "why don't you do X?" can often provoke a reaction that tries to justify oneself. You want to feel validated in your self-pity, and if the solution to your struggles is as easy as "just doing X" all of your bad feelings are your own fault, too. That makes you feel even shittier. So you need claim that it's impractical advice to evade that.

My best guess: Your friend is not looking for advice, they're looking for validation of their feelings when lamenting about their life.

But maybe this is a "what you want vs. what you need" situation.

I’ll add to this and say that people are mostly looking for validation when discussing problems, and that should always be your first response. If you feel you have valuable advice to give, ask them if they want it and make sure they’ll actually be receptive.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com