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Comment by underseacables | Hacker News Reader

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

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This is is a popular thing to say on the internet, and surely there's a kernel of truth, but it lacks nuance.

Living without a family or community is like running a marathon.

There's something virtuous about learning to say "fuck you" to your brain's self-protection circuitry, experiencing the hell it raises, and staying the course. Any healthy person could manage it. Many would be better off for the conditioning and the experience.

But pushing on the edges of your design parameters is not going to be sunshine and rainbows. It's supposed to hurt. You should be "OK" in the sense of "stronger than the pain and will make it" not "feeling good."

And it's probably going to hurt a lot more if it's pushed on you from outside vs. a decision to challenge yourself.

Truth be told, chances are pretty high that being alone can work out for someone hanging out in a place like HN. For the grand majority of people, being alone is a drain on their wellbeing, no matter how well they may adjust to it.

But for a select few, being alone can be a preferred state over having to share a place and time. If you can embrace the fact that you are different than most (and fuck them!) and if you can make your alone time fulfilling, you may be one of those lucky few who don't need company to recharge your 'battery'.

A pretty sure tell is when you actually consider socializing a drain.

My parents forbade me from having friends when I was around 7 or 8 years old. Hit me across the head to emphasize the point; friends would distract from studying hard, and you don't study hard then you can't get into a good university. So until I was 24 I had no friends whatsoever, not even through university and not even through the time since then.

As you might imagine I'm quite okay being alone for the most part having grown up friendless. I have no idea what having a friend is like, or how you're supposed to be a fiend, and for the most part that's okay with me. Ironically, my parents are actually now concerned about why I haven't dated anyone in my 30's; they've actually asked their family friends if they knew anyone that might be interested.

And there in lies the rub. If you're really okay with being alone, why bother having anyone else in your life? It's hugely uncomfortable for someone that's used to it, for little benefit.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I went through something similar. Parents considered most people I would have called as friends not "good enough" and forbid being around them for better part of my childhood. Now, in my 30s I have a few people from work I occasionally hang out with but no one I consider a friend. Haven't much dated either since seems like a chore.

I do wish sometimes that I was normal and had an active social life. Being single/alone at my age is beginning to look weird.

I disagree with this mindset. Humans are a social species and require some sort of interaction to thrive. Perpetuating this idea of going at it alone is a problem in modern society imo. This is coming from a pretty extreme introvert.

I reason that filling loneliness should not be the primary focus of a relationship. If you’re lonely, you’re making decisions because you’re lonely. However if you’re not lonely - meaning you’ve found happiness in being alone - then you would seem to be more free to choose partners based on other things than filling your loneliness. I guess in short, loneliness seems to be a really shortsighted reason to date someone.

A person certainly shouldn't choose to have an incompatible relationship to assuage their own loneliness, but the argument that I'm making is that people tend to get lonely when alone regardless of their own self contentment. And it's quite fine for a person who's uncomfortable being alone to start a compatible, healthy relationship. Humans should seek human interaction to some degree regardless of their degree of loneliness.

From someone who used to be content with being alone most their life：Nothing hurts as much as being forced to be alone when you have become used to sharing life with someone else.

Consider the opposite though：imagine being trapped in a relationship both sides feel compelled only "for the Kids". If you feel bad for being alone, realize that what you got is the closest a human can be to true freedom. Only in being alone can you be unconstrained by the wants or needs (hell， just the wishes) of another person.

Your future self might envy this luxury of yours, so appreciate it while you can.

I went through a few stints in my late 20s when I literally didn't leave the condo for a span of 9 months, and at another point 6 months. It was within a span of a few years of deep social isolation. I had frozen meals delivered and left outside the condo. I mean fully that I didn't interact with a physical human during those months.

It was a painful experience at times, although I tried not to wallow in it. Becoming completely accepting of that sort of isolation, and growing to thrive within it, is something I wish everyone could experience.

i think you over-radicalize the opinion you are responding to. "being comfortable with oneself" is not the same thing as "going at it alone". While I agree with you that radical individualism is a troublesome ideology, I also agree that it is wise to be comfortable with oneself, both while alone, and when in company.

I don't think so. If you are isolated from people for too long, you will lose a lot of social skills. People become frustrating and very tiring. You lose ability to relate and to have friends.

All that while feeling very lonely simultaneously. Like, you are lonely, but meeting people makes it worst and makes it plain you don't belong.

That happened to me.

This has been my #1 dating advice for my friends who seem to serially jump from one dating attempt to another. They are so afraid of being alone that they grind themselves into the dirt chasing any and every opportunity that might maybe turn into "the one".

However, like most advice, it's never heard until they are ready to hear it.

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