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Comment by allenu | Hacker News Reader

I'm going to be 43 in a day, and I have definitely noticed less reliance on others for validation or meaning as I grow older. I think it's normal.

When you're younger, you're trying to figure out who you are and a big part of it is seeking out new people to learn about the world and yourself. I think you also tend to need others to validate you more. I can definitely tell that when I was younger I would share more about my hobbies or interests with others in the hopes that they would like them too and want to share in them with me, with a little bit of wanting to be complimented on my uniqueness. Now that I'm older, I do that far less.

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A weird thing happened as I hit my late 30s. The best way I can describe it is 'acceptance'. I accept who I am, at my core, is defined by my genes, my experiences, and my experiences' affect on my genes. I used to think that if I just tried hard enough, I could be different. I could be cooler, more attractive, etc. Now? I simply accept that I am simply not compatible with some people, and that's ok.

I know that sounds like some sort of cringe hallmark card. I know I completely dismissed that sort of sentiment when I was younger, but as I've gotten older, I've found it rings more true.

In your teens and 20s, you care what other people think about you.

In your 30s and 40s, you stop caring what other people think about you.

In your 50s and 60s, you realize that no one was really thinking about you after all.

I noticed that even if I cared or judged someone, the one who's wasting time and energy is actually me, and there are no actual effects on the target.

Happy birthday in advance.

As a 24 y/o who struggled with forming meaningful friendships in my teen years, your comment as someone in their 40s was soothing.

I'd like to reach that stage of life where I internalize the fact that other's validation doesn't matter as much as I think it does.

I completely and wholly understand -- intellectually -- that other folks opinion and/or attention toward me shouldn't have an impact on my self-esteem and well-being (and just like many others, I've even read whole books on this very topic), but putting it into practice has been a struggle and I find it super hard to fight against the in-built and well-oiled 'validation seeking' neural circuitry up in my head.

There are also other factors at play. I don't necessarily think that age alone has that influence. What about the increased network connectivity we have around us and the plethora of devices which carry that data? We're finding our validation through sites like HN instead of finding a human who shares our interests.

I find that I can have more specialized 'talks' with strangers over the internet rather than with actual people who I've known for years.

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