Hacker News Reader

Comment by agumonkey | Hacker News Reader

> less social contact causes me far less stress and anxiety

I used to be recluse, then had a social epiphany, temporarily .. so I'm now oddly situated because I remember the need and joy of social bond a bit but I'm back to hyperanxious social mode. Which means I tend to go back to walking alone because it's so lighter.

One anecdote, 10 years ago, I went to a birthday party, a time where I hated social gatherings pretty much. Yet the day after I felt 'replenished' of somethings. As if my internal world couldn't satisfy me fully and even dreaded parties were benefitial.

View on HN

for me there is definitely a "grass is greener" effect with friends. I seem to go through an endless cycle of having either too many or too few. I prefer to spend most of my day-to-day alone, but I feel very lonely when I don't have enough local friends to reliably find a social event on friday/saturday nights. on the flip side, having too many friends quickly becomes stressful. I don't know how to gracefully handle the situation where I get invited to do more things in a week than I have the social energy for. sometimes it gets to the point where just replying to all the invitations saps most of my social "budget" for that week. I end up doing a lot of stuff that I don't really want to do just to avoid declining someone's invitations over and over. eventually, I semi-intentionally let friendships fizzle out and forgo forging new ones (since I am still in the "excess" mindset). then I am back to square one and the cycle restarts.

I think there is a sort of critical mass effect with friends. when I only have one or two, I have to try really hard to make a third. once I hit a certain number of friends with overlapping circles of their own, it's easy to make new friends whenever I want. but then it starts snowballing fast and suddenly I find myself in a deluge of messages and invitations that I don't want. I'd love to be able to hover in that sweet spot, but I don't know how to make that happen.

I've observed this too. There's certainly a threshold to break out of my own thought / reality bubble. However, I've caught myself exploiting the "positives" of this, in that I still only have so much social energy. Even when events go well, I tend to get worse at managing my social time. However, finding outlets for being social that I actually enjoy and don't find tiresome is a risk worth taking. Generally, I'm glad that at this point I've sort of stopped caring about being "like-able", "cool" or socially "known" in my circles.

Relatable content!

Just get comfortable saying no without explaining yourself. The fact is that your calendar should not have public read-only permissions, which is the way you're behaving when you feel obligated to justify a declination of an invitation.

It's possible to say no for no reason at all without being rude or discouraging: "Thanks for the invite — can't tonight. Raincheck?". If you really like the person and want to develop more intimacy, you can be even more transparent, "I'd love to, but I'm over-socialized this week. Gonna chill tonight. Have fun!"

The fact is that we LOVE IT when others set and maintain healthy boundaries. It removes ambiguity from the relationship, which makes it easier to feel comfortable in. It also sets an example that the other can follow without fear of alienating you. There's also the side effect of giving people the impression that your presence is precious commodity, and should be valued—which it should be!

Being a well-connected introvert can be fun and easy ;P

this a hundred times, for me. Thank you for expressing this so well.

> One anecdote, 10 years ago, I went to a birthday party, a time where I hated social gatherings pretty much. Yet the day after I felt 'replenished' of somethings. As if my internal world couldn't satisfy me fully and even dreaded parties were benefitial.

I'm the same way towards social gatherings. As a result, I try to remind myself before going to one that I may hate that feeling of dread leading up to it, but that on the other side of it I am going to feel great. That doesn't mean I can be social all the time, but I think even introverts need that regular dose of social activity to feel whole. If anything, it makes those alone times we enjoy even more valuable as there's a contrast.

I agree. It's also a good and healthy attitude in life not to assume past dreadful events will repeat forever. So moving along, peeking here and there. See how it goes.. being curious. A bit.

This is nice to read, and very relatable. It took me a while to understand that social interaction is like leg days at the gym. It's painful if you are not used to it, therefore people tend to avoid it and end unbalanced.

As an introvert, forcing yourself to endure greater efforts of socialization reduces social anxiety, and ironically, makes life as an introvert easier as you no longer live in one of the extremes: you like to be alone, but you're not afraid to be with people.

As with leg day, if you don't use it, you lose it. This lock down has made hermits of some introverts, it takes effort to stay socially fit.

Seth Roberts wrote that he noticed a similar correlation in 1995 which he hypothesized came down to "morning faces". If he saw faces in the morning, he was happier the next day. He went on to test this therapy on himself for many years:

https://sethroberts.net/morning-faces-therapy-resources/

If you’re open to the spoons concept of interaction (any given person only has a finite number of spoons available for use until they need to be resupplied), there’s lots of different kinds of spoons. I have similar experiences: I’ll dread and stress a social experience until it comes, drain myself during it, then wake to find something full that was running low, something I may not have even been keeping track of.

There’s also a concept of mixed introvert/extrovert, and more to my liking a concept of introversion not being antisocial but craving certain intimate kinds of social experiences.

I thrive on a very small, somewhat malleable but always close social world. All other social demands are conditional on my ability and comfort. But my close social world can come call or (metaphorically during pandemic) hug or snuggle any time

Reply on news.ycombinator.com