"I just bought a new laptop with Vista on it. The poor puppy was spending about 10 minutes to boot up and cool down..."
Vista makes a bad first impression. It gets faster the more you use it, rather than being fastest out-of-the-box.
This may sound crazy, but here's what I did last time I set up a Vista box. I booted, logged in, then walked away and let the thing sit idle overnight.
All the scheduled disk cleanup, disk defragmentation, spyware scanning, indexing, etc., ran overnight and the machine was quite a bit snappier the next day.
I then proceeded to reduce the frequency of some of those tasks and turn others off completely. You don't have to mess around with services for most of those things, though, because they have real GUIs.
In the end, I was able to get pretty usable performance on the PC, which at the start had appeared to be unusably slow.
"After that it could barely breathe on its own 1GB of RAM, without any applications running ... The damn thing needs 1GB of RAM only to stay barely alive on its own."
With respect, what makes you believe this? The figure in Task Manager? I know just enough about Windows' memory management to understand what a weak grasp I have on the meaning of the figures in Task Manager. Certainly the figures shown don't change much when I open up a bunch of apps.