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Comment by softwaredoug | Hacker News Reader

this only gets worse when they get older.

A dangerous thing that can happen is when you over-identify with your kids. Like being the overbearing sports-parent that pushes their kid to succeed because you see it as an extension of your success. I think every parent runs into this to some degree. I have to remind myself they are different people with their own wants, needs, values, and criteria for what "success" means to them. Not an extension of myself.

Yet it's hard to balance avoiding over-identifying with the "I want to keep you out of obvious danger". Like "Don't go 200K in debt for a poor college education" or things like drug and alcohol usage at too young an age. The downside risks for some of these things are huge.

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If you have any resources on how to manage anxiety please bring them on. My old son has a mild development impairment, I am the sole bread earner, and we have no family support (we live abroad).

Anxiety is crippling me to the point of rupture.

Honestly, one of the biggest tools I think is in-person school. Which lets the kids get their own space and cultivate their own lives away from parents in a supportive place. Sadly that's been taken from us until Covid is resolved. It multiplies the anxiety quite a bit for everyone: kids & parents. It's hard for us not to be overbearing to our 9 year old about virtual school. It's hard on him, and he's frustrated. It's hard on us because it's time consuming...

Other than that, I strongly believe in paying well for good childcare and babysitting so you can take breaks.

I also believe in sharing your passions with your kids, and focusing on quality time rather than quantity or things that don't interest either of you. This can be surprising. My kids love camping, which surprised me. I love camping - my wife doesn't. My kids are meh on coding, they do it, but it doesn't grab them like it grabs me...

Focus your career choices carefully as your time on them is limited. I have found having kids, due to time crunch, has caused me to really focus more on what I really care about from work. Don't let others take advantage of you to do BS work, focus on what you want to do on a day-to-day basis that's fulfilling for you if you're able. I think sometimes parents fall into the trap of only focusing on $$ when really it's a good idea to focus on how much value you yourself are getting out of your more limited time investment

Talk to somebody. A licensed professional would be best, but a significant other or trusted friend will work too. You have to get your thoughts out into the real world so you can process them. Journaling helps with this. Also, focus on your well-being. Make sure you're getting enough exercise, take up yoga, find a productive hobby, etc. If you have a significant other, make sure you stay communicative. As a parent it's easy to sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the family, but the family will work best if you're healthy.

* A dose of magnesium l-threonate in the morning and before bed

* A dose of magnesium glycinate in the morning and before bed

* A dose of black seed oil in the morning and at night

If you did a hair mineral analysis test, I assure you, you would most likely be magnesium deficient. The body needs magnesium in order to deal with stress. Anxiety is stress.

The deficiency wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Take a HMAT from Analytical Research Labs if you want to be 100%. You'll have to find a practitioner.

I've done years of therapy. But getting my basic nutrients in order, made an immediate impact and has had a much bigger difference in treating my anxiety.

+1 about magnesium and nutrition. I saw a huge improvement once I started getting enough.

Also don't forget about getting enough sleep every night.

Check out @Grimhood on Twitter.

Hang in there! It's absolutely worth all the effort, and things will likely turn out far better than you may think.

I strongly encourage you to talk to a therapist or counselor of some sort - even after just a few chats they can arm you with some really great tools.

For managing the anxiety of life generally and parenting specifically, religion has been very helpful for me. If you're not into that, maybe find something that strengthens the big picture & long term view of things.

I appreciate the answers. Thanks!

I'm tying (unsuccessfully) to get sleep, and I'll try magnesium supplements too. I already spoke about this but never got solutions, and at this point it feels almost even worse every time.

I find "On Children" by Kahlil Gibran (https://poets.org/poem/children-1) a wise guidance:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

But seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

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