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Comment by hacknat | Hacker News Reader

To add to this, I know many "married" people, myself included, who are permanently separated with no intention of reconciliation, but who are not legally divorced. My ex and I did not have an acrimonious "divorce" and money was never an issue between us, but the mess and expense of divorce don't seem worth it to us as long as we both trust each other (which we do).

I'm sure we'll eventually get divorced once one of us gets a long term partner, but I do think the trend for avoiding the legal system as long as possible is here to stay. I know one couple (or ex-couple, rather) that has been separated for over 5 years now.

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If there are no issues money wise, and you have a good understanding between you two, what is the mess and expense of divorce?

I am someone who always assumed that divorce proceedings were expensive when there were conflicts in alimony, possessions and kids. ( and all this information is mostly from movies )

A cheap, non-acrimonious divorce will probably still cost you about $10k in legal fees. That's not the biggest expense though. I won't get into the details of my specific situation, but I stand to lose about $10k-20k in taxes every year if I get divorced, instead I just split that money with my ex. You definitely have to trust your ex for stuff like this, because being legally married you can get really screwed (she could go crazy on a credit card and I would be liable for half of it).

It will cost nothing like $10k if you are actually willing to cooperate.

It can be done for around $1000 if you use a document prepare rather than an attorney.

It doesn't necessarily have to be that expensive. I have a friend who recently went through a very friendly divorce. Both parties had agreed on who would get what. In Washington State there's a process for these types of amicable divorces where a judge doesn't have to make any of these determinations. They had to pay the ~$500 filing fee, wait 90 days and that was it.

I'm sure it varies quite a bit from state to state though.

People I know on the east coast, two couples divorced in two states - same thing, maybe a few hundred in filing fees, that's it. Everyone was in agreement beforehand, judge just made sure the agreements were fair and signed off.

I'm not your lawyer, but you should look into how this would affect your will/estate, etc. It's common for state law to allow a wife to take 33-50% of your estate, even if you purposely exclude her. And if you have no will, she'll probably get everything.

I would think you'd want to formalize the divorce at some point, to avoid the akward 'I can't marry you right now, cause I'm sort of already married' stuff, especially if you and your legal spouse move away from each other and fall out of touch.

But, if you're in the US and you're otherwise happy to be legally married but separated, you may want to consider waiting to legally divorce until you've been legally married 10 years. That way, either can use the other's social security record to claim as a spouse if unmarried (at no cost to the other ex-spouse).

Came here to leave this comment, with a slight variation. I was so exhausted from 2 years of legal separation that I just decided not to bother with a divorce. It has practically no advantage, and it's easier to stay technically married wrt issues related to kids.

Try this on: Isn't this is the OPTIMAL time to get divorced - while you are on good terms with no disagreement or anticipated battle over money. If you wait, the divorce could be messier in the future if the relationship degrades over time.

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