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Comment by francis-li | Hacker News Reader

That sounds really frustrating and I think you've encapsulated what people who have these chronic conditions are feeling quite well.

It seems like when people with pain decide to share what they're going through, they aren't looking for solutions -- they just want people to know what's happening and that their experience in that moment is affected by it, and they want you to understand that.

I think this mindset is especially hard for people with a technical background to grasp because they are natural problem solvers and they will immediately switch to problem solving mode.

Instead of trying to solve the problem (which is not what the other person needs), they'll be able to connect better with the other person by empathising with them, validating what they are feeling and deferring to them for what to do next.

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Mix of both.

Went through massive medical problems. Zero support from doctors fo years.

I had to go into trail and error mode for years to start figuring out what was wrong, and what effected me.

All with an Exhaustion and pain level on par with a dying cancer patient. Oh and a comet brain fog.

Eventually found answers, several conditions that were inter-related. Uncommon response to most drugs the doctors tried.

If I hadn’t gone through this trial and error approach, I would not have lived through it all.

That's insanely rough, it's so hard to imagine that someone can go through all that and come out the other side. It even sounds like the doctors themselves were dismissive of you.

Maybe it's not so much that people aren't looking for solutions, but they don't want advice from people who haven't yet shown that they understand what they are going through/need?

I wonder if it would help (bit nervous about this comment because it looks like giving advice, and I haven't had the frustration myself) to explicitly preface the sharing with an explicit request not to give advice?

I have been on the other end of that: when the father of a friend of mine passed away they explicitly said they did not want sympathy but instead to do something fun that night, and we did. Years later I still remember that because it felt somewhat as an eye-opener that people can just be that candid.

I think it would probably help, it'd probably require that person to be pretty in touch with their needs (which seems like it could be pretty hard when you're already super frustrated and in pain).

It sounds like your friend was in touch enough to let you know how to help them and it sounds like you really connected that night. I wish people were more candid in general, but maybe people are a bit scared to ask for what they want?

Yes absolutely, and that is very difficult, but since the people in this thread were already articulating their needs, it looks like they have already acquired that skill?

(Of course, actually articulating those needs on the spot is yet another skill, so it's still easier said than done, but it might be worth focusing one's learning efforts on.)

At least they have in the confines of semi-anonymous HN :)

But yeah, some have some, haven't I'd say. And I agree with you 100%, it's extremely difficult, and much more difficult to do it on the spot. It feels like it's one of those skills that could take a lifetime to perfect.

But definitely agree that it's worth focusing one's efforts on as it seems like you'd get a lot more of what you want out of the world and other people.

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