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Comment by DoreenMichele | Hacker News Reader

It's virtue signaling, not caring. It's pretending to care and expecting to get pats on the head for it while actually being a burden to someone whose life is already overburdened.

It's the opposite of actually caring about a person. It's caring about them making you feel good about going through superficial "caring" motions while doing absolutely no good and lots of terrible harm when it is added up over time for the person with a chronic condition whom absolutely everyone wants pats on the head from for pretending to care while doing not a damn thing to actually make their life better in some meaningful way.

If people care, they do what actually helps you rather than insisting you make them feel good for superficial bullshit that only adds to your suffering.

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Within a range, you get to interpret the actions of others. It's like one of those optical illusions where you can see a rabbit or a duck, but not both at the same time. One of those illusions will anger you and sap your strength. The other will connect you with another human being on some level, however superficial, which is wired to make you feel happy and fulfilled. Neither is the full vision of truth. But you are free to choose the lens through which you view the world.

The ironic thing is that the original complainant is making this exact same point about those who give this advice. Typically they're not trying to connect - they're trying to fulfill their own needs without understanding the other's needs.

None of us fully understand each other's needs. You can get frustrated about that, or educate others. It's a personal choice. I don't judge anyone either way (or at least, I agree they are free to make their own decisions), but having done both, I certainly have my own observations about which of those leads more effectively to happiness.

> If people care, they do what actually helps you rather than insisting you make them feel good for superficial bullshit that only adds to your suffering.

This is a very simplistic way to look at people. A lot of people are misinformed or not thoughtful or don't fully understand your experience or frankly not that bright. The idea that people who genuinely care never do any damage is beyond ludicrous.

That's a ludicrous interpretation of my remark.

People who actually care will be okay with being told "This isn't helping. Please just stop." But that's not what the vast majority of people do.

The vast majority of people want it acknowledged that they are good people because they care about you and are trying to help and all this shit.

If they cared, they would drop it when asked instead of doubling down on trying to demand that you make them feel like a good person for fucking with your life and trampling your boundaries.

I also have a serious condition. No, most people absolutely do not actually care about my welfare.

I have tons of firsthand experience with this and I'm not budging one inch.

Based on other comments, I was under the impression that some people wanted zero unsolicited feedback. This instead sounds like you don't want people to keep offering suggestions after you tell them to stop. The former would make for a really cold society. The latter is completely understandable. I would tell the repeat offenders to fuck right off.

Support groups are a good place. Lots of forums dedicated to most chronic conditions. Much safer to ask advice in those places.

I find it’s often due to people getting frustrated and not knowing his deal with it in an emotionally helpful way.

See it in kids constantly, adults often.

Kids getting mad at the cat for not liking being dressed in doll clothes.

Yes you care about the cat. However now everyone including the cat is unhappy.

Childish behavior, except it still hurts when loved ones get mad at you for not recovering fast enough.

Parents offered me some pills (blood thinners) that might solve some problems.

They got very upset when I refused without a doctors consent.

Only thing I wanted from them was emotional support. Instead I had go cut them off for a year.

All because they couldn’t fix me.

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