But maybe this is why I've never gotten married despite wanting to. I don't like it when other people try to pressure me into doing things I know I shouldn't have to do on premises that I don't agree with. Shrug.
When I would put up a fuss over my mother making me do something as a kid, she would eventually exclaim "Would you just humor me and do it?" Being an adult now I get that reaction. A lot of the times it's hard to describe your position to someone else, like my mother attempting to make me do something as a kid that I don't understand the ramifications of since I'm a kid, like going to the doctor's office. Obviously going to the doctor's office is necessary maintenance for a human, but as a kid you only see it as getting in the way of your playtime.
Being an adult is knowing that you will sometimes be the kid or the parent in this sort of scenario plenty of times, and that it's usually a lot easier to swallow your pride and humor your partner, rather than die on your hill like a child throwing a tantrum over not wanting to go to the doctor's office.
Relationships are all based on compromise, and the art of compromise is really what makes a relationship. I love the story you tell of your mother saying "Would you just humor me and do it?". My father did the same.
Yes, and I assume this is implied, but compromise must strike an acceptable balance. When things get too one-sided it's generally a recipe for trouble.
A good rule of thumb is for both partners to estimate their contributions or compromises to be 60+% of the total, and then there's some chance that it'll be fair (i.e. most people over-estimate their contribution/sacrifice)
I think a lot of relationship issues result from a struggle over balance/fairness because they aren't sufficiently dedicated to the others' interests and well-being.
So far what has worked is spending time trying to explain. He looks at me quietly, you can see his cogs whirring and - while he has not much comprehension of my reasoning - he goes along with it because:
- whatever Dad is saying must be important because he is putting effort into it.
- if I do it he'll shut up and I can go back to fun...
For instance, I take your approach for most purchases under two thousand dollars or so. If I want to buy myself a new computer or whatever, I'd mention it to her, but ultimately I'm probably going to get it even if she thinks I shouldn't. I know some couples where this isn't the case, even if they have the means. Their price threshold for making the decision together is much lower.
But on career changes we make decisions together. For instance, she recently made a change that will result in her making less money, especially in terms of long-term career trajectory. But her stress level and overall happiness is much better. And she knows that my income was a good amount higher anyway and it ultimately won't affect things like when we retire or our quality of life that much.
But then it would be pretty shitty of me to change to a lower-paying profession down the road without her OK. She has sacrificed her earning potential with this kind of commitment in mind and maybe wouldn't have if she didn't know she could count on me to make future decisions with her collaboration.
I'm not saying either end of the spectrum is necessarily better. Just that there are pros and cons and it's more important to be in agreement.
Especially in long marriages, couples often operate as a team - one spouse chases the job opportunities, the other one holds down the fort. One spouse makes money, the other runs a startup. Etc. That doesn't work if you think "my life is mine only, nobody gets a veto". You give up autonomy for better cohesion and combined success.
But I think what's important to know is that in long-running healthy relationships, people have worked on setting boundaries and agreeing on what's off-limits and what isn't. It's not about "pressure", it's about having an agreement.
The interesting part of that is whether it’s really worth fighting about in the first place. In a successful marriage you both absolutely have to concede some loss of control in life. At what point do you draw that line in the sand, that point of absolution which serves as a point of no return and is it worth it? In the case a getting a dog it wasn’t worth being angry about.
There are situations that do serve as grave violations of fidelity. If you discover your spouse is cheating on you, or vice versus, that line in the sand was just leapt over and destroyed, particularly given a situation like extended separation that requires extra trust.
The only reason to stick with a job you don't like is if you really need the money.
If you don't need the money... what else is there?