Comment by austincheney | Hacker News Reader

Comment by austincheney | Hacker News Reader

I completely agree with that article. I have been separated from my wife off and on for about 6 years over the 17 years we have been married due to military. We don't argue as much now, because at this point there is little reason as we basically read each other's minds. Most of the time there is conflict to be found its not between each other and talking about feels more like reviewing a git pull request.

When we do argue its usually minor and due to differences of opinions search for conflict resolution. The last argument we had was whether we should kick the daughter out of the house. We spent less energy on that argument than I probably spent choosing what to eat for lunch, which is strange considering the severity of the subject.

The last serious argument we had was about 22 months ago when she got another dog without asking. Somehow I guessed the subject exactly when she started the conversation with: "Don't be mad..." I was livid. I told her if she wanted to keep the dog she had to name him "Gay Fish" (South Park reference). That never happened. What can you do when you haven't seen your spouse in a year and are on the other side of the planet? In hind-sight things are pretty healthy if that's the most serious of arguments.

The thing we disagree about the most is that I cannot arbitrarily quit my high paying corporate job where I literally do nothing. Although I hate being bored and so many of my coworkers (not just at the current job) are incredibly insecure and exceedingly sensitive my spouse is adamant I need a good reason to enter a different line of work.

After all that its funny, in a very sickly schadenfreude kind of way, to see the curiously trivial absurdities or bizarre self-serving behaviors other couples destroy their marriage over.

I have seen a pattern in my life when leaving one job for another.

The most important part of the pattern is: 2 weeks into the new job I'm always "What was I thinking? I should have done this LOTS sooner!"

Fish Sticks would be a much better name for a dog.

If you have enough savings for retirement, and no dependants, I do not think your wife gets to have a veto over what you choose to do with your life. An opinion to take into consideration, sure, but not a veto.

But maybe this is why I've never gotten married despite wanting to. I don't like it when other people try to pressure me into doing things I know I shouldn't have to do on premises that I don't agree with. Shrug.

I think that is definitely something that you have to be willing to balk from in a relationship. There will always be things that your partner insist you do, and things that you insist your partner.

When I would put up a fuss over my mother making me do something as a kid, she would eventually exclaim "Would you just humor me and do it?" Being an adult now I get that reaction. A lot of the times it's hard to describe your position to someone else, like my mother attempting to make me do something as a kid that I don't understand the ramifications of since I'm a kid, like going to the doctor's office. Obviously going to the doctor's office is necessary maintenance for a human, but as a kid you only see it as getting in the way of your playtime.

Being an adult is knowing that you will sometimes be the kid or the parent in this sort of scenario plenty of times, and that it's usually a lot easier to swallow your pride and humor your partner, rather than die on your hill like a child throwing a tantrum over not wanting to go to the doctor's office.

This is a very healthy perspective on relationships and I fear the nuance of this view is often lost in discussions about relationships. I'm sure that if you posted this on a Reddit relationship forum, you'd get responses telling you that this is oppression or abuse, and you shouldn't put up with it.

Relationships are all based on compromise, and the art of compromise is really what makes a relationship. I love the story you tell of your mother saying "Would you just humor me and do it?". My father did the same.

>Relationships are all based on compromise

Yes, and I assume this is implied, but compromise must strike an acceptable balance. When things get too one-sided it's generally a recipe for trouble.

A good rule of thumb is for both partners to estimate their contributions or compromises to be 60+% of the total, and then there's some chance that it'll be fair (i.e. most people over-estimate their contribution/sacrifice)

I think a lot of relationship issues result from a struggle over balance/fairness because they aren't sufficiently dedicated to the others' interests and well-being.

I have a two year old. So far I haven't used that phrase but I think I will add it to my bag'o'tricks.

So far what has worked is spending time trying to explain. He looks at me quietly, you can see his cogs whirring and - while he has not much comprehension of my reasoning - he goes along with it because:

- whatever Dad is saying must be important because he is putting effort into it.

- if I do it he'll shut up and I can go back to fun...

Relationship advice that I find similar: with your partner, you can be right or you can be happy.

Or you can be neither.

True. From some books I've gone through however, the act of making your partner happy often has the side effect of making yourself happy and the same act of making them happy tends to make them want to do things to make you happy. A lovely cycle. People tend to want to be "right" - and that usually means someone else is wrong. Not often a good way to build a loving relationship.

If you change jobs, you impact financial outlook for both of you. I don't think a veto is as unthinkable as you make it out.

Especially in long marriages, couples often operate as a team - one spouse chases the job opportunities, the other one holds down the fort. One spouse makes money, the other runs a startup. Etc. That doesn't work if you think "my life is mine only, nobody gets a veto". You give up autonomy for better cohesion and combined success.

But I think what's important to know is that in long-running healthy relationships, people have worked on setting boundaries and agreeing on what's off-limits and what isn't. It's not about "pressure", it's about having an agreement.

She doesn't get veto power but he also doesn't get to just quit without plans in place, and "we have enough money and I don't like it" isn't a great justification.

Is "I don't like working any more, I'm retiring" considered a valid plan here?

A relationship is a partnership and "I'm doing x" as a statement and not a discussion is rarely appropriate. There is almost always a counter-argument that needs talked about and thought through.

Why not?

The only reason to stick with a job you don't like is if you really need the money.

If you don't need the money... what else is there?

I think each couple has a slightly different balance on what level of collaborative decision making they can expect, and this is actually a big factor in compatibility.

For instance, I take your approach for most purchases under two thousand dollars or so. If I want to buy myself a new computer or whatever, I'd mention it to her, but ultimately I'm probably going to get it even if she thinks I shouldn't. I know some couples where this isn't the case, even if they have the means. Their price threshold for making the decision together is much lower.

But on career changes we make decisions together. For instance, she recently made a change that will result in her making less money, especially in terms of long-term career trajectory. But her stress level and overall happiness is much better. And she knows that my income was a good amount higher anyway and it ultimately won't affect things like when we retire or our quality of life that much.

But then it would be pretty shitty of me to change to a lower-paying profession down the road without her OK. She has sacrificed her earning potential with this kind of commitment in mind and maybe wouldn't have if she didn't know she could count on me to make future decisions with her collaboration.

I'm not saying either end of the spectrum is necessarily better. Just that there are pros and cons and it's more important to be in agreement.

So that is what makes a situation like military separation interesting. She is trapped at home raising two teenage children without her spouse. It’s like being a single parent without the financial worries. Life gets lonely.

The interesting part of that is whether it’s really worth fighting about in the first place. In a successful marriage you both absolutely have to concede some loss of control in life. At what point do you draw that line in the sand, that point of absolution which serves as a point of no return and is it worth it? In the case a getting a dog it wasn’t worth being angry about.

There are situations that do serve as grave violations of fidelity. If you discover your spouse is cheating on you, or vice versus, that line in the sand was just leapt over and destroyed, particularly given a situation like extended separation that requires extra trust.

Find another job man. Or I send over 2 more dogs.

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