Whenever in therapy it seems that I always try to argue against any advice given. Same online, so I guess any advice given to me I would try to oppose it, but I'm still telling about this and hoping for an answer or solution, because what else can I do. My mind only tries to find flaws in what the therapists say. I either say it out loud and keep saying it until I frustrate therapists or I keep it in my head and think those thoughts silently. I don't know how to just accept the advice. Same with social situations where I just keep silent, so I hate them too and try to avoid as much as possible in life. I either zone out or I try to find something wrong with what they are saying, but obviously not mentioning it. Maybe it's because I'm envious of their knowledge so I have to somehow find errors in them so I wouldn't feel bad about my lack of social performance/knowledge/wittiness. A lot of times maybe I purposely misunderstand rather than give benefit of the doubt in my mind, because possibly I really want them to be wrong. So all in all it occurs to me that not only am I less knowledgable than most people, I also have a terrible personality. Once again why I keep quiet, because showing it out would only sabotage my career, life etc.
And whenever I try to follow advice I have never had it work, I'm not sure if it's due to my own negative attitude regarding the advice, maybe I'm not following it properly or maybe it's just brain chemistry. But in a way where currently available anti-depressants won't affect it positively.
For instance, observing your thoughts from distance or trying to reframe them. Observing from distance - how long do I have to do that to make it work? It still doesn't kill the depression, frustration and anxiety. Reframing the thoughts has never worked since I don't ever believe the reframes and this always leads to existential crisis. If therapists suggests a reframe I will keep arguing it until it reaches "meaning of life" point again.
Another thing is sleep. I hate falling asleep. Even if I do it seems like I wake up too early. I feel like I have tried following all the low hanging fruit advice such as exercising every day, use melatonin, hot baths, whatever common tips I have found. I do running (6+ miles), go to gym every other day. I feel like I don't progress a lot, and I'm afraid because of my shitty sleep. If I take Ambien I will wake up in 4 hours, because that's how long it lasts, so it can't just be some shitty sleep hygiene either if I wake too early after falling asleep. I think I just feel disgusted about sleep and it seems that it affects any progress I'm trying to make as well. Probably affects my gym and running results, my cognitive performance - maybe that's a cop out since I'm not happy with my cognitive performance and blaming it on sleep allows me to believe that maybe I'm not cognitively as poor as I seem to perform currently and that I actually have potential.