Very relate-able, unfortunately. In many ways, it set the tone for my life.
Dad: Suck it up. Mom: Get over it.
Being bullied in school doesn't mean you have to be bullied for life. As a kid, things can be stacked against you. You're surrounded by people who are older, stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you. But you don't have to be bullied as an adult if you don't allow it to happen. Adulthood is a much more even playing field than childhood. You have resources (HR department, change jobs, change neighborhoods, police, social services, lawyers, etc...)
I know there are people who as adults are bullied. I know some of them. But in every case I've seen they've allowed a history of bullying to make them believe that they are powerless to change their circumstances. They're not. They choose to remain in that position because it's familiar, and change and confrontation are scary. But sometimes you've got to suck it up, act like an adult, and do adult things. And that sometimes means standing up for yourself.
Sucking it up and getting over it? Yeah, I sucked it up. But you don't get over something like that. At my current job, my boss is a type A manager who encourages "competition." I have a family to finish raising, so yes, I'm powerless to change my circumstances. I suck it up everyday for the paycheck, knowing that my kids are fed, my mortgage paid, and my retirement is being funded.
But to blithely state that people should suck it up and get over it minimizes the cost of that type of treatment. I have few friends, I'm incredibly cynical, and I'm probably a bad coworker since I have a sense of snark that I frequently voice.
FWIW you have your priorities straight, and that counts for a lot.
Where do you live that changing teams or changing employers can’t be done until you raise a family? No offense, but in every case I’ve heard someone use that explanation, it’s just been an excuse to avoid the effort of change.
One of the few things I think Scott Adams has right when is he says we can influence our luck. But at the end we play odds, sometimes despite our sweat, blood, tears, and sometimes in spite of their lack.
Most successful people come from successful families. They sought comfort for the basics so they didn’t have to worry about the game.
Hard work is necessary for a lot, but it’s usually a low-cost-of-failure work. Failing at a startup usually means getting a well paid job.
Define success. I think the better version of that sentence is "Most wealthy people come from wealthy families", but I'm not so sure about success.
"Oh you know, some of my larger coworkers pushed me down to the floor and told me how much they hated me. But I sucked it up"
"That's great, get over it!"
"I will - until tomorrow, of course, when it will happen again."
"Just keep sucking it up and getting over it and it will all turn out fine!"
I don't know how it is we think children should be able to deal with things that would be unthinkably intolerable for adults.
What makes these situations different is:
A. Maturity. We expect developmental difference and if they don't happen, it indicates a problem. Normal but undesirable behavior at age 2 would sociopathic if done at age 22. Toddlers don't get arrested if they bite someone, while adults do; I would claim that is justifiable.
B. Destructive potential. Mature people are faster, stronger, and smarter; a bar brawl has a greater chance for broken bones, concussions, etc. than a playground fight.
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That said, there are things in relationships you have to suck up and get over at work; they are different than for a middle schooler though.
That isn't even destructive. Broken bones heal and you're healthy again. Bullying a child, that is destructive.
What that helped me: - Fitness (starting with simple yoga to learn appreciation for my body, then progressing with weights) - Stoicism, Letters from a Stoic Seneca, Meditations Marcus Aurelius - Committing to memory basic social skills and nuances, The Charisma Myth - Hypnosis and self affirmations
Also I think I prefer "Onward" rather than "Suck it up". If you have any resources that helped you, particularly in social skills, I am always looking for more resources.
I grew up in a loving home and attended good public schools in a fairly upper middle class school district. Both my brother and sister were subject to some serious bullying, and there is no question that it made their school life miserable for a time, but it was not the formative episode of their youths.
On the other hand, its not hard to see in a worse situation how easily it could be.
This physical confidence still carries me until today even in professional circumstances.
This is so true. At the end of the day, we are primal animals, and knowing that you can physically dominate (or can be physically dominated) has a huge influence in personal conflict. Not only that, martial arts are great exercise, which is one less thing you can be bullied about.
It's obviously not a bullying "cure-all", but it helps.
Emotional bullying is a different problem. If I could advise my younger self, it'd be that when the line is crossed, you have to lay down the law: This stops, or I'm out of here. And put on your adult hat and follow through.
> HR department,
There to protect the company, not you and definitely not to admit any kind of abuse because that is a liability
> change jobs
Looks very bad on your resume if done after a short period of time or frequently
>change neighborhoods
Makes you look shady and like you are dodging responsibility. Ties with the previous point.
> police
Comprised by mostly ex-bulies. I'm sure that will go well.
> social services
Here you face real repercussions for what will be seen as you not accepting your lot in life.
> lawyers, etc...)
As long as you have money...
> And that sometimes means standing up for yourself.
Remember: Appeasement never works.
I was lucky, I hardly got bullied, but it always bothered me seeing other kids get it, and I used to be friendly with them as much as I could. This might sound like a pretty weak thing to say, I didn't manage to confront the bullies in some dramatic fashion (although the opportunities to do this were very few in my school at least). But I think it made a difference to show a bit of solidarity with kids that were getting bullied, some of them told me this much later.
One thing that's helped me some is the realization that I can simply walk away from almost anything. Kids are the primary exception, and I think as a parent or guardian, you have a deep duty to suffer whatever you must to try to give them a good start in life.
It is critical for adolescents to learn to deal with hard things and to approach problems in positive ways. Love the martial arts training ididntdothis mentioned - increase the child's ability and confidence, then even without using the martial skills, the bullying stopped.
Its not that they've been bullied for life, its that the effect of them being bullied is ongoing and pervasive.
I can relate. I wasn't bullied in middle school, but I had no social skills and no confidence, so I didn't really have many friends. Telling a kid like that to suck it up obviously doesn't change anything. I do however agree though in the context of being bullied.
On the whole I agree with you. My parents were similarly tough on me (except the one time I was bullied by a teacher, as they recognized the difference between annoying peers and someone abusing their authority and I certainly appreciated it) - however, they were not as tough on my siblings and more protective of them because they had very different personalities and it would have affected them more than it did me.
Everyone "wakes up" early in life and starts to realize the cards they've been dealt. It would be really nice if there were a lot of thoughtful adults around to help them to adapt to that, but the world just isn't like that. Some things can be improved, but in the end, as the ancients knew, life is ultimately suffering and sorrow.
The hardest part for me at the moment is that the feeling of friendship is so fleeting, and it turns me into a people pleaser when its not necessary. I trick myself into believing that if someone isn't actively enjoying my presence, they are souring on me or are reconsidering our relationship. That belief also means its hard to keep up friendships since I often think a relationship is "over" when it could be kept up.
Here’s an idea for a founder looking for a startup: a Tinder-esque platform for meeting and making friends with similar interests. I’m sure this has been done before but certainly hasn’t become mainstream.
Isn't this a common experience for most people now. I feel like I frequently articles highlighting loneliness in adults. I've had the same experience.
There's a selection effect where people who live in dense areas are more open to meeting new people. (There's also a culture of drinking which I'm mostly over, but it's still a net positive IMO.)
I don't know of anyone who liked that time.
Friendships are more mature than in elementary school, and no one has gained confidence enough to find their own place in the world.
* People say "Kids are cruel" or "Kids are little shits" or stuff like that. This is very far from what I recall school being like. Sure, some people would make fun of you, etc. but that's just banter and the process of growing up is that. You can choose to join the norm (which I saw lots of people do) or violate that norm openly (which I also saw lots of people do) and you could do that for some norms and not for others.
* People say that kids made fun of each other for their clothes. We had uniforms. Everyone wore the same clothes and the same shoes. No jewelry. No cell phones. Everyone used the same tools.
* People say that kids would harass them by sitting next to them and constantly belittling them. We had assigned seating. Teachers would rearrange seating based on whether you're being disruptive, whether you're making other kids uncomfortable, etc.
* People say that school sucks. But I recall all school being pretty fun, even the negative feeling of heartbreak of crushes unrequited, games lost, or embarrassing moments in front of class are not feelings I carry negatively with me.
* People say they were made fun of for their hobbies. People would make fun of other people. I'm not going to lie. But someone who was the class's best CS 1.5 player was celebrated for that. And the top kids in each subject were heroes.
I know this usually comes off offensive but perhaps it's the structure of American schools that the complainants went to that influences the problem?
FWIW in school my classmates would describe me as "eccentric" or "weird" pretty often, but ultimately they didn't hurt me in any real way. And here are some other related facts about schooling that I notice isn't the case in America:
* Most people would go to school by public transit or transport themselves on non-motor vehicles: bicycles were okay but no one was allowed motorized transport.
* Teachers had substantial control over the class. There was very little disruption. And when it existed it was harmless.
* There were no weapons of any sort on campus.
* There were drugs (I smoked weed - which I regret mildly because I suspect it made me stupider) but it wasn't a complex organized trade and the hard drugs weren't present.
Look, if you had heartbreaks that means you were in the girls game and you were 10 miles above the people we’re talking about here. You don’t seem to feel what it is to be excluded from the group, it’s an entirely different feeling from being rejected by a few girls and having enough support and love from your family around that it’s not a problem. I’d say 60% of the class don’t belong to the core group, and 20% are extremely solitary. Extremely solitary people also have double problems because they are not supported at home. And surprisingly, lack of love at home creates both the bullies and the victims.
Those people really need help. I know I did. It’s not a condescending tone, I’m just saying that some people are invisible and we need to learn to « see ». I’m 37 and I still have murderous thoughts. I have literally enlightened the lives of a few hundreds people around me by talking about men’s issues and describing them so people can articulate them and eventually get people who support them, and I keep fan mail on a wall at home because they help me see I’m useful to this world. But I never myself received the help I needed.
People need to learn to see. Sometimes you can’t believe how someone sitting next to you can be alone.
If you want a school like you had, definitely look at private or charter schools. Because they require application and admission, they can create their own culture and approach to education.
So, as with many other things, we solve it with personal choice; i.e. charter schools.
The main points are:
* any class that wasn't segregated on ability would usually have at least one individual who didn't want to be there. They would typically disrupt the class. jump up and swear, push over desks, attack other students or the teacher, spit in other students faces, throw chairs at the windows or doors, etc.
* Every time you changed class you had to walk in the corridor. A packed corridor filled with students. If you pass the student or students who don't like you how can you stop one of them sucker punching you? you can't. Tripping you up and kicking you one after the other before quickly moving along to their class? that too, etc.
* Going to the toilet also presented problems. I am male so used urinals, but what if that gang of students who don't like you see you go into the bathroom? if you are using a urinal they can punch you in the back of the head, or grab you and throw you to the ground and put the boot in before you can even react. Taking a dump in a cubicle? be prepared to have bottles of piss, bricks, etc thrown over the top at you, get the door kicked in and punched, door kicked in and a bottle of piss sprayed in your face, etc.
* Walking home from school? hope a gang of people who don't like you don't beat you up and steal your bag/money/shoes ( this one didn't happen to me, but repeatedly to a friend).
The complaints that you have outlined are absolutely minor and tame.
Bullying in school is a problem for the same reason it is in adult life, that is, being punched/kicked/ hit with a brick/ prevented from going to the bathroom without risk of physical assault in an environment that you have no control over can be distressing and harmful.
I don't at all doubt that others had bad experiences, and I sympathize with them. But also "if it bleeds it leads" follows in online comments (especially on places like Reddit, which I often find to be rather negative). You aren't hearing the people who just think, "yeah, middle school was okay."
Also, are you sure that bad things didn't happen or could you have just missed them? You say that school "was pretty fun", which goes starkly against my experience. I didn't have the negative experiences other people in this thread had, but it was just incredibly boring and you had to be there. That alone made it suck.