Comment by LaGrange | Hacker News Reader

Comment by LaGrange | Hacker News Reader

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> "Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?"

...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something?

> - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?")

...oh god, this is boring...

> - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams

...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.

> Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about

...okay, they're not selling me anything, they're an axe murderer.

> Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined"

...at least they seem sloppy, maybe if I leave the venue quietly they'll forget I was there.

> Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics)

1. Avoids topic that involve materialised ethics. 2. Uses _rape_ as a funny acronym.

More evidence of axe murdering tendencies.

> You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes.

...I don't think standing silently in the corner and staring is going to diminish the axe murderer impression you just made.

> Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating.

...what did I just say about staring? Because now you're _staring people right in the eye and not looking back_. Fun thing you learn early as you learn masking autism, people _way_ overrate looking others in the eyes.

> Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.

"I kill people. With an axe and/or facial recognition."

> ...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something?

People assume that even at networking, social gatherings, or speed dating events. Doesn't matter what their initial impression is as you can change their later impression.

> ...oh god, this is boring...

That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.

> ...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.

That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer" Most people would correct your assumption, and now you're talking about occupation. Or you can segway that to recreation "I could've sworn that you're the (assumed occupation) type. You seem like you do plenty of (activity related to assumed occupation)" The person would again correct the assumption, or if not, you can change the subject or push through. Either ask directly "so what do you do instead?" or share a detail about yourself/the subject that'd bait the person into asking or sharing theirs.

> ...Axe murder...

Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.

> People assume that even at networking, social gatherings, or speed dating events. Doesn't matter what their initial impression is as you can change their later impression.

They literally wrote "cold approach," so no, this does imply approaching strangers in random situations.

> That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.

It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.

> That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer"

Jesus christ, who talks like that.

> Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.

I too respond friendly to potential axe murderers. Angry axe murderers are more likely to axe murder you.

Seriously, though, there are _multiple_ red lights for abusive and exploitative behaviour in that advice. Yes, it _will_ work, abusive behaviour often works. But also, if you ever meet someone like that - or if you try it on someone with life experience that taught them _both_ what abuse and respect look like, they'll most likely smile, say something safe, and then leave to warn others about you.

I sure would.

> They literally wrote "cold approach," so no, this does imply approaching strangers in random situations.

You make conversations with strangers all the time. The taxi driver, while waiting at a long queue, a friend brings over a new face, someone on the street shows you interest (they smile first, greet, etc), you see a familiar face out there and you check out if they're showing interest such as a longer eye contact and then you go "Hey we go to the same gym, how's X? blah blah. Oh really? By the way I'm Brad"

> It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.

Jeez, as long as you're not being a creep it's just friendly banter. There'll of course be people like you who think the world is after them so just have the decency to get out and leave them be.

> Jesus christ, who talks like that.

I'm sure you do it one way or another. Light-hearted teasing and joking: "is that code I see? i'm betting you're a CS student." Heck that's actually how I got my last job referral, sat next to a dude and noticed that he's reading notes that has a diagram of a (segment) tree. Turns out that he's got a position at a company's R&D lab and at that time was prepping for a competition at codeforces. He invited me to his company and we're friends to this day.

> I sure would.

You can't satisfy everyone. Just don't be a creep and pick up on social cues.

Okay, this is a narrative that is occurring in your head, but it's not occurring in everyone's head, and if you happen to talk to someone who has this narrative occurring in their head, who cares? You're not going to please everyone.

You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.

> Okay, this is a narrative that is occurring in your head, but it's not occurring in everyone's head,

Oh, for sure, I'm not saying this approach won't work for you. I'm saying that if you're using that approach you're being using strategies designed mostly by abusers, that are inherently abusive (now, whether you are an abuser depends on whether you realise that and whether you stick to it after realising that), and that you _shouldn't do that_.

> You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.

I don't have to try and befriend everyone I meet. There are social contexts specifically designed for making new friendships, and quite helpfully they usually also provide a framework for approaching new people. And between meetup.com, OkCupid, interest-specific subreddits, Discords and Twitter, it's easier than ever to find should spaces that are tailored to however specific your social needs are. There's zero excuse for cold approach.

It sounds like you have a history of abuse. I am so sorry and hope you're able to get the help you need. As I'm sure you know, not everyone trying to socialize is out to get you. Not everyone has the same social needs as you. But I can see how difficult that could be if you've been a victim of abuse. I think it's good to note that not everyone has the same hang ups as you do, and many people do actually enjoy meeting people and making acquaintances outside of specifically designated social events.

DM me if you'd like someone to talk to.

> As I'm sure you know, not everyone trying to socialize is out to get you

No, I mean, it might be hard to imagine to a person who believes into might makes right as strong as you apparently do, but a couple of tiny restrictions actually makes it _easier_ to make friends.

And, y'know, no, I don't have much of history of abusive. I knew a few abusive people, but they mostly focused on others. Another thing that might be hard to imagine for you, I suppose.

> DM me if you'd like someone to talk to.

LOL, no.

>might makes right

I'm not sure what you mean here, can you explain? What did I say that makes you think this?

I actually am a victim of abuse. It took me a long time to understand that strangers who talk to me aren't trying to hurt me. It really took a lot of work, and still takes a lot of work.

I enjoy making friends almost anywhere, unless I'm on a date. Life is boring and meaningless without human connection and community. I believe your mindset is in the minority, and I suggest you find a therapist to work on why you think all strangers are abusers.

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