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Comment by 5847f6da7bfeb7 | Hacker News Reader

> Open your phone or WhatsApp contacts, scroll them and check who are those friends, relations or family you want to meet. Now plan for 2-3 meetings weekly, until your loneliness feeling goes away.

This is what triggers me A LOT. When I open my contacts, there are literally only four. One of them is my mother and the other three are therapists. I don't know how to deal with that. Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. I just don't have anybody to talk to.

Also, since I don't have a Smartphone, nor Facebook, Google or whatever account, it is even harder to get into contact with people. No, i won't make a google or facebook account.

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> Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever.

How did you come to this conclusion?

It seems like part of the problem is you're just jumping straight to "going to hang out at a bar" when that's generally something people do when they're already friends. That happens when you already know each other, have shared interests, etc. Sure, there are people who go to bars and meet people, but when that works, it just means your shared interest is drinking... which can be okay, but isn't the right fit for a lot of people.

Is there something you're interested in? Go take a class in that. Not interested anything? Try martial arts, dance, something that gets you moving and interacting with people. Literally people are literally paying to come hang out with you at those places.

You're not the only lonely one out there. Find the others!

I am interested in programming and riding my mountainbike through the woods. While the latter is pretty dangerous and i really should find someone to do it together with - just for safety purposes - I have a hard time going somewhere where i could get to know people. And if I do, I usually keep myself from getting them to know any better than the usual 'hi, how are you?'

I used to do road biking, but I imagine the same will apply to mountainbiking. Find a group ride in your area and start going on it consistently. On the calm stretches there's plenty of chance to pull up alongside people and have a conversation. Push conversations beyond mountainbiking, learn about these people and teach them about yourself. When you find someone you like, who seems to also like you, invite them to hang out outside the group and take it from there.

The hard part is getting the first 1-3 friends to bootstrap your social network. Once you're at that point your friends will introduce you to others, and your network will blossom organically.

The woods is a great place to get to know people in my experience.

I don't drink--haven't been to a bar in literally years.

Getting past "Hi, how are you?" can be tough. It requires some vulnerability, which is scary. But which are you more scared of, telling someone about what's really going on with you, or continuing to live an isolated life?

I'm saying all this because I've been where you're at. It sucks and I wouldn't want anyone to have to live like that.

Ask your local bike shop if there are any group rides. That’s how I met a majority of my close friends. If there aren’t any group rides, ask if you can leave a flyer seeking new cycling partners.

Do you live in a major city? I'm shocked there aren't mountain biking clubs and a dozen programming social groups- pick your language and your cause (women programmers? teaching children to code? LGBTQ in tech? startups? Person of color? coding for social good? weekly hacknights?)

Pardon me for the plug, but I am building a new kind of social network web app and I would truly appreciate your candid opinion if it is something of value for you (and what could I do to make it more valuable).

Right now it is just a personal journalling app, but I want to make the entries shareable and build a "quiet social network".

You can read what I mean by it in the "LEARN MORE" section

https://www.quidsentio.com

Give a try to this app https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.random.cha...

> Also, since I don't have a Smartphone, nor Facebook, Google or whatever account, it is even harder to get into contact with people.

You really should ask yourself why other people should go out of their regular way of communicating/organizing just to include you into their activities.

What about a Meetup account? https://www.meetup.com/

Not OP but meetup has been generally terrible in my experience, at least in the two places I've lived recently it's been:

1. Meetups geared towards a demographic I'm not part of (the biggest occurrence is 50+ meetups)

2. Meetups that are a shill for some MLM, other scheming

3. Tech meetups on subjects that dont particularly interest me

4. Bar / bar hopping meetups, but everyone is decades older than me

Those meetups where everyone is decades older than you? Many of them have children that might be your age. Make friends with both. Some of my best adult relationships are from older folks with similar interests introducing me to their children.

I do agree about the general uselessness of Meetup.com though.

I try to go every month to the "Hack 'n' tell" organized from some people around the Chaos Computer Club. While it's fun, I generally just sit there and talk to nobody.

I do ask questions and discuss with people, but I don't get any closer then this, which results in an even worse feel of loneliness in the end.

My first suggestions is and will always be: "try joining a martial art dojo/group/team/association". Martial arts range the whole spectrum from strenuous to fairly gentle so it does not matter if you are (or want to become) very fit/competitive or if you just want to relax and improve your general wellbeing and coordination. You can also pick zero-contact stuff like Iaido or Tai-Chi.

Assuming you like the activity (please allow yourself at least three months of constant practice before drawing conclusions) you will almost automatically pick up social contacts through that.

So you are in Germany then?

Just join any Sportverein! If you don't like exercise, then Chess or something. There are thousands of Sportvereine (and other types of Vereine) in each city, pick one (or three), go regularly.

I've had similar experiences in such settings. You might even find that you have some particular shared interests, might make plans to get together at some point, but nothing ever comes of it. I guess that is just human nature. My very particular piece of advice: If you are only and want to connect with people, don't limit yourself to Chaos events (or something similar). These gatherings are not very well-suited to making the type of connections you seem to seek. Even people who have been part of the scene for a long time struggle to meet people there. It's pretty much a scene like any other: If you don't meet the right people early on and make some kind of connection it's hard to get further and you will always feel left out to some degree.

Latino dance are awesome for meeting people.

So there is already another human being you like: Your Mother. Nothing wrong with that.

And there is literally nothing else around you? No sports club? No other clubs?

If you set your bar too high and critisize everything (like dismissing creating a facebook account or google account) you might live after standards you set, but forever alone. Sometimes it is worth it to rethink them.

Creating just one more account with some online service is not going to fix the underlying issue of having difficulty connectin with people. Consider the scenario where you meet somebody and you both decide to stay in touch. If both parties really mean it they will find a way regardless of whether one of them does or does not have an account with a particular service.

You are overthinking a lot of this, in my opinion. Sure, people will find ways to stay connected regardless, but you can't deny the ease these services offer in staying connected, making it easier to be more social.

well, it appears you have truly exhaused all your options. the only thing you could do now is die alone.

do not reply, no one will read it. and even if they did, it wouldn't matter. you just run.

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