Also, when I was in the UK, getting a payment processor (we had our own merchant accounts) pre-Stripe was a royal PITA. They wanted all sorts of documentation and proof that we were a "real business" before letting us process payments.
TBH, it seems like Stripe and PayPal are being pushed by "risk management" corporate suits into being unreasonable and treating their customers like United Airlines' passengers. A few years back I would ordinarily point people over to FeeFighters' Samurai to shop the best deals on payment gateways, but GroupOn decided to buy them and make them commit seppuku.
And about "drama boosting", if that's a real Stripe person who posted to this thread, I guess that it worked. A little, anyway. Sadly enough, it seems the only way to get attention from jerks like this.
But what else can someone like OP do?
I mean, $31K isn't pocket change, for most of us, anyway. And OP did wait six months before doing it.