Comment by SubuSS | Hacker News Reader

Comment by SubuSS | Hacker News Reader

Parent Full thread

One thing that I don't see much discussion on is a single income setup.

My wife was employed when our daughter was born (oh lord 13 years ago) but we had hired help (this was in India - that was a very affordable option). Eventually she decided to stay at home because she wanted more family time and quite possibly that's the best thing that ever happened to our family.

Suddenly all of us had time and the luxury of one person with flexible time is amazing.

My career hit an exponential growth after this and she has a major hand in it. I am able to enjoy a cycling habit (20hrs every week) because of this.

It was a hard decision at first. Obviouslt financially, we also hadnt accounted for how much of our identity was defined by the job, so that was interesting. Navigating friends and family who considered that to be THE defining thing was also interesting :). I obviously have a lot to write on this since it is still a thing :)

Overall Id suggest it to anyone who is willing and able to try.

In my observation a single income setup is some kind of local optimum. I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal. It is a real job that requires an exceptional level of responsibility, creativity, and effort, but it's one that is extremely financially and emotionally rewarding. When I ask they all say, essentially, "We didn't want work just to hire someone else to raise our children for us." That said, part time hired help is very affordable in the USA too. You can get a fully qualified part time babysitter who is also willing to do light housework for about $15 an hour in California. I imagine in other states it's even more affordable.

When you look at the market value of the labor the homemaker does for the household, and consider that it accrues tax-free, the financial benefits are considerable. And there are also substantial tax benefits to married filing jointly when one spouse has no taxable income. For the arrangement to be successful though, the "working" spouse needs to fully recognize the value provided to the household and make sure it's well compensated, both emotionally and financially. If you can do that, it works extremely well.

I hated being at home, would prefer to be the one to work. Anecdotally, I know multiple women who disliked that too.

Of course, you gotta know each other really well to talk about it. I would not talk about that to everyone, because some (male childless thinking about it) collegues looked shocked when I just hinted.

> I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal.

When our second kid was born, my wife and I mutually agreed it made sense for her to be a stay-at-home mom. The flexibility to run errands and take kids to appointments is incredible. Logistically, I don't know how we would have survived with both of us working.

But it has been a very difficult emotional transition for her. Much of her identity was based on her profession (she was a teacher) and a chunk of her self worth came from knowing she was financially independent. It's working out OK, but it's one of the biggest life transitions she's gone through.

> I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal.

For an extreme example, consider a battered spouse who is afraid to leave because they have no financial independence. Even with alimony and such, the stay-at-home spouse takes on a lot of risk.

However, two working parents with young kids is a very difficult endeavor, so I can definitely see the appeal of one parent having time and flexibility!

> I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal.

Until the nest empties, and they have no retirement funds or worthwhile employment options to speak of. If the breadwinner turns out to be more of a jerk than realized amidst the business of raising children, and maybe the homemaker learns by this time they've actually been exploited as a low-cost servant all this time, expected to continue in that capacity until death, then it can start feeling like a very raw deal all too late, now feeling trapped in it as well.

A good friend's parents went through this, it was a few years of family crisis with the homemaker living with relatives wanting a divorce while she slowly had to accept there's effectively no other option financially; go home and sleep in the bed you didn't realize you were making.

Kids are a very effective diversion for setting this trap, men have been doing this to women for ages. At least now women can get jobs and delay having kids until after a career with some retirement savings and marketable skills development.

this has happened so much and there are more subtle forms of abuse.

Unfortunately even in my family, my mother, who was forced to have some big career gaps due to 3 kids, had a much lower pension compared to my father and my father considered it to be "fair" that each spends its own pension and split the bills equally. :(

>I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal

Until the kids grow and you get into a really vulnerable position. No job, less skills, no retirement funds, less connections and more dependent on your spouse (which sometimes can easily forget you sacrificed your career)

> I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal.

There's one or two posting almost every day on /r/parenting. Usually because she has a small kid or two and a husband who doesn't help with the kids or housework.

Just want to say - the prices I've seen for that hired help in California is more along the lines of $25 per hour to start. And that's just to watch the kid - additional housework will cost more. And that also doesn't include paying for their vacation time.

Single income setup is quite common in some European countries. In my country you can get paid leave up till your youngest kid is 3 or 4 years old. The amount of money you get is way bellow even minimum wage (~ 200 USD/month depending on the number of months you want to take off), but most people who can afford it stay at home.

My wife is currently finishing her third year at home and there will be at least two more.

The problem with this setup is once the kid is off to school, the mother might not enjoy all that extra time. Work is somewhat of a good distraction, a socialish environment etc.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com