I read a lot of self damage in your message. I have similar issues. I don’t have advice, but try to not say such damaging things about yourself. Also maybe smoke some weed.
Just don't do that, using recreational drugs is never a solution for anything!
Cannabis is not a recreational drug. I am prescribed it by a physician for anxiety and depression. Please leave your 20th century Prohibitionist mindset somewhere else.
Note that I have not said anything about cannabis on a prescription basis for medical purposes, you just said "maybe smoke some weed" (smoking anything doesn't seem very healthy...), not "maybe see a doctor".
I’ve never tried it. It’s illegal in my country.
Sorry to hear that! It does help for intense anxiety, but also dulls discomfort that drives you to improve. It’s a tool much like Benzos, SSRIs, CBT, and exercise.