Hacker News Reader

Comment by vbtemp | Hacker News Reader

Sounds like this dude is insufferable and exhausting and probably presents himself as such on his dating profile.

Edit: Before you start writing a treatise on the socio-economics of contemporary market-based internet dating in the age of diverstity.. just try the following:

1. Put up a crisp, clear picture of yourself dressed nicely with a smile. Put up a second clear picture of you doing some kind of interesting activity (hiking in the wilderness, doing art, playing with a puppy, etc).

2. Write a self-description that gives off vibes of you being a generally positive person, and relatively charming and perhaps a bit funny. If you can't be charming, you can at least be polite. If you're not funny, you can at least be lighthearted.

View on HN

> Sounds like this dude is insufferable and exhausting and probably presents himself as such on his dating profile.

In my experience, people making these kinds of statements often haven't any sense of humility, compassion or empathy, so it is likely you cannot understand even why he would make his post.

Further, this same personality trait also seems lead to online ridicule of people trying to share their experiences online.

> Edit: Before you start writing a treatise on the socio-economics of contemporary market-based internet dating in the age of diverstity.. just try the following:

Edit: It is also consistent with this personality trait to assume that your advice is desired, and to then provide that advice.

I would make the first picture the one where you do an activity. The activity tells more about you than the clothes and the smile (unless the clothes are really interesting, I guess). Seeing someone relaxed and doing something they love is more informative, and in my opinion more attractive, than watching someone posing for a photo. But do make sure they can see your face. Reflective sunglasses are a poor choice.

Also, trying to appear generally positive, relatively charming, and perhaps a bit funny, is not informative either; everybody tries that. I think it's far more useful to show what makes you you. Be yourself. But be your best self; this is no excuse to be a slob or a jerk. But this is more about self-improvement than about appearing attractive. Be interesting. Be nice. Share your passions, but be open to people with different passions, because you're unlikely to find someone exactly like you (which would be boring anyway).

The photo that worked for me was the photo I took at the gates of Timbuctoo. I'd been on vacation there, traveling through Mali for two weeks, and ended up there. Covered in dust, unshaven, but excited. Great photo. My future-wife recognised it and suggested Ouagadougou now that Timbuctoo wasn't so proverbially unreachable anymore. That turned out to be a great way to break the ice.

But most importantly: be open to the other person. They're probably interested in you, and they want to know you're interested in them.

> just try the following

This is the typical format when responding to people who have dating issues. "Sounds like you're too X. You're overthinking things. Just do Y."

Typically, Y is the most mundane, boring straight-forward cliche advice that everyone and their grandmother gives. It's delivered as if the person with the problem just never thought to try out the basic advice, like do an interesting activity or be a positive person.

I mean, this is a guy whose avatar on Medium is a semi-close up picture taken with a low-quality somewhat-fisheye webcam with bart simpson faces pasted over his eyeballs.. Yeah, he's probably lacking some of the basics.

Because, without a doubt, Medium profiles are the way to meet your dream mate.

Even if that's true, I'm not sure that invalidates his point. The essays on dating still do not reflect his needs; where in that case his needs would be: how to not be insufferable and exhausting.

Yeah he reads like the kind of person who will only send incredibly verbose self-deprecating messages - then be surprised nobody likes him when he spends most of his time talking about how awful he is

I agree. He is the one without self-awareness.

Did he ever consider that he may not be fun to be around? He seems to think he's somehow better than other people, more "self-aware" as he puts it, but maybe he's just not aware of the social skills needed to seem attractive to other people.

I hope he realizes what he needs to do before it's too late. Other, more successful, men may just be _better_ than he is. It's not some vast unfairness, it's just that there are things this man needs to work on and get better at.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com