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"Instantaneously, for free" is nowhere near what this paper claims (O(n^4m)).

But P is good and NP is bad, and fast is good and slow is bad, so P must be fast!

"Proof by halo bias;" this could be a valuable new technique to math in the social sciences.

Why would a polynomial time algorithm become instantaneous if you stick it behind an API?

The magic of the cloud! Imagine running that on Heroku (for instance): it would be costly (price) but possible.

Just parallelize your algorithm and use n^5 machines ;)

Is any polynomial algorithm parallelizable?

Yeah this is dumb, should have read the OP.

Should have taken time to think. You don't even need to read the OP to know what you said is nonsense.