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Comment by apexalpha | Hacker News Reader

There is only one universal law that applies to online dating, and that is: women don't need it as much as men.

For women, online dating just doesn't make sense. Even on Tinder, where the ratio is kinda okay, women are bombarded with messages and likes. To the point that they can't even respond to everyone even if they wanted to.

This means men are left with unresponsive women and just start to send cheaper pick up lines to more women faster. Thus continuing the cycle of women getting bombarded...

There was a blog post I read once where some employee used statistics from the dating site to show what the relationship between male and female profiles where, who had good chance of getting dates etc... Conclusion: it really doesn't work for 90% of men.

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'Conclusion: it really doesn't work for 90% of men.'

Thanks for that. I recently tried Match.com for a couple of weeks and came to the conclusion that I am some kind of misfit. As it turns out, I may be normal after all?

Yeah, you're probably fine. A lot of the traits that make men attractive are very difficult to convey through a dating site, so a lot of men get passed on unless they're super good looking. It looks like the original blog has been taken down, but OkCupid created this[1] graph that shows that most men are rated as below average looking on dating sites.

[1] https://i.redd.it/ccjv5cjcevp21.jpg

You may be a misfit for different reasons though. Do not lose hope.

> women don't need it as much as men.

This is only half the story. The full story goes:

Women can choose who to date, men must compete. Men can choose who to marry, women must compete.

Dating apps exclusively cater to category #1. This dynamic may or may not be creating an entire class of >25yo women who are unable to marry despite the desire to do so.

Well, I can pick up women in bars you would not believe it. I could just tell a story from last week. Even I don't believe it. :-)

But online dating is tricky. There may be people who can pull it off but for me the real world is easier. Also many women look good on pics but the pics are old or photoshopped.

Sorry, I don't buy it. Maybe if you're in your 20s this is true, but for people in their 40s, there's tons of women on the dating sites all looking for husbands, and as a man I've had plenty of success finding women to date (not so much in finding someone I have any interest in marrying though; there aren't that many attractive women left in the US at this age (because Americans are fat), and the ones who are left have severe problems).

I really think that most people who are critical of online dating are only looking at one demographic, being people who are 25 or under.

> but for people in their 40s, there's tons of women on the dating sites all looking for husbands

Yes. There's tons of them because they can't get a husband and the supply/demand curve inverts across the genders. The time to secure a husband was back in their 20s when they were on the favourable side of the curve. Those women are pursuing partners that pursue much younger women.

To cut it short, female overall partner disirability peaks in their 20-30s and then falls off. Male continues rising until their 80s.

Dating apps are amplifying this effect but are also amplifying its downside, across both genders. Is this a net win or lose for society? Idk, you decide.

[1] https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-...

>female overall partner disirability peaks in their 20-30s and then falls off. Male continues rising until their 80s.

There's a downside to this. Sure, as a man, you'll have a somewhat easier time as you get older because the male population is decreasing faster than the female population, but you have to be realistic: if you're 65, you're probably not going to be dating any pretty 30yo women, but you might have plenty of 55+ women to pick from. But if you only want to date physically attractive women, this imbalance in your favor isn't going to help you much, because at that age the women aren't looking too hot any more (especially in America, where obesity among women is rampant). So you might have tons of women chasing you, but you have no interest in any of them. And sure, you can proclaim that people shouldn't be motivated by looks, but men generally are, and that's usually how life-long relationships work out: the couple meets when they're young and there's physical attraction helping to bring them together, then they marry and age together, so when they're older their relationship is already established, so they don't need physical attraction too much. But for people looking for a new relationship, it's more important, and makes it harder to find a new relationship.

>Maybe if you're in your 20s this is true, but for people in their 40s,

That's exactly the issue. Women ages 21-28ish are pursued by men ages 21-35ish. So there's more men chasing a smaller number of women.

Ummm average to cute to hot women yes. Though those women who fall below that threshold or further are not having any fun or getting same amount of love. I have some female friends who just gave up yet all their long term relationships they've had happened via the offline world.

Also Almost Every guy here is complaining about dating apps not working... I ask them how many women did you say nope to? Meaning we all are too damn picky ..men and women equally.

> ask them how many women did you say nope to? Meaning we all are too damn picky ..men and women equally.

We're definitely not equally picky, not by a long shot. Online, women are far more pickier than men.[1] They can be picky as they're the bottleneck in the reproductive chain.

[1]https://i.redd.it/ccjv5cjcevp21.jpg

Sure I agree in terms of woman thinking "I want attractive children," so if it's even mildly attractive woman she's going to have a lot to choose from and a lot to ignore.

But are we saying men don't care at all about looks nor want their children to be attractive/have it easier in life?

I wonder why they don't limit the number of messages allowed per day. Say you only get 2.

Because that would hurt engagement, and free dating apps rely on that. Remember, if something is free, then you are the product.

I think Coffee Meets Bagel limits you to one per day, and Bumble only lets women initiate conversations. I have tried or investigated either of these, so this is all hearsay, but seems like some companies are experimenting with solutions along those lines.

I know a few women that use Tinder: they are alone, late thirties and never got anything serious out of Tinder, but they use it to reassure their attractiveness by the continuous flow of likes they get. It is a morale booster, nothing more.

I know plenty of straight couples who are married or in committed long term relationships and met on tinder.

I think there is a big early adopter advantage of any dating platform. After a while, the platform just deteriorates and starts attracting opportunists.

I also know a bunch of couples that met on tinder, but it's all from 3 years ago. I haven't heard of someone else who has been successful in finding a long term relationship on Tinder since.

That's because quality people have all moved on to something else. Tinder is mainly for hookups now: people who are traveling and want something casual, people who are married and want a 3some, people who are cheating, etc.

Everyone else has moved on to a better dating site, like Bumble, CMB, OKC, etc.

My current girlfriend and I matched 2 years ago on Tinder. It was my 3rd attempt at trying it again after closing my account twice after no success. I changed my tactic, and paid for Tinder Gold / Plus and bought booster packs. I played their game and eventually they let me win.

What was your old tactic, why wasn't it effective, and what is your new tactic, and why is that effective? :)

It sounds like there is no free lunch, so he paid for the lunch and it tasted just fine.

I am not contesting that, I just answered to "For women, online dating just doesn't make sense".

I met fiancee on Tinder and we are getting married Saturday :) Life is gonna be great. <3

I met my wife on Bumble. :) Anecdata!

I get quite a few daily follow requests on TikTok by women who are seeking a relationship. As I'm already happily married I don't respond, but its a big ego boost for me, and is reassuring that if my current relationship ever went south, I still have some attraction.

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