I fight this urge every day because of pain and have great empathy for both you and your wife. I was left in constant pain by badly done and, ultimately unneeded surgery. I have been off and on medication for many years now and have fought the system the entire time. I was recently cut off again after a long term doctor retired and the new options are all fairly hostile to pain patients.

The thing that is the hardest is that ultimately the best pain control for me is a safe and calm lifestyle and decent healthcare in the right conditions I can survive without medication, but with the loss of health and money goes your access to that lifestyle and healthcare, increasing the need for meds, at a time and situation in which you can least get them. I've tried nearly everything, at least that I can access, and that access, mainstream and alternative just gets worse here in the USA. I just need a small flat and a simple life in a city with connections and resources. I am stuck in the opposite.

I had a great, once in a lifetime, accomodative job opportunity abroad from a member here that I couldn't get to because of worsening pain and life stability and I sunk further as a result. Should have just gone and failed and gotten it over with rather than suffering more in worse conditions. It's a pit of quicksand once you get in it. It's hard enough in countries with good systems, but in the USA it's hopeless. I am now stuck in rural nowhere in so much pain with no good healthcare and transport and a horrid quality of life. I am over the debate and the "opiod crisis" and people's judgement here...I just want out and stable if thats even possible anymore, or it over. Tired of suffering every day.