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Comment by 5874-4b22-a4e0 | Hacker News Reader

But it sounds like thier son is a f'ng looser. He would've had some sense beaten into him if his parents actually cared.

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My dad beat plenty of sense into me. What I learned was to stay the hell away from him and never treat my children the way he treated his.

edit: I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years, and I probably never will again. What finally turned me to this point was having children of my own. I saw what he really was then, and I was determined that he would never have a part in their lives. They're adults now and are free to contact him if they won't, but they know what I've told them about him, and they choose to keep the separation.

I think you only got that reply because in your original comment you didn't mention your son's disability. I was wondering myself what you were going to have to do to kick his butt out until you mentioned why he's still at home. Makes a lot more sense with that detail.

I think I got a lot of hostile replies from people not stopping to think about why, especially people who have never actually raised children themselves.

This particular comment, though? Nah, suggesting "beat some sense into him" was out of line by community standards and common decency. And as someone who grew up bruised, it was a little triggery for me too.

Yes, that reply was incendiary and unnecessary, 100% concur. But I'm a parent of two kids and this did not make it any more clear to me ;-). I was thinking "oh my, I hope I don't find myself in that situation with my own son in 10 years, that's probably not going to be an easy problem to fix" not "the son must be autistic." Even though my best friend has a 25 year old daughter who's autistic and living at home (presumably for the rest of her life).

Just goes to show interpreting comments on the 'net without any context is easier said than done. I always try to keep positive assumptions in mind before I hit reply.

I try to not assume other people are either stupid or malicious, that if they see the world differently from me, they have good reasons. I think it makes me a better person, and it certainly makes me a more relaxed person.

Even without the autism, the only thing that 'kicking his butt' will accomplish is teaching him to despise his parents.

Thanks for staying on an even keel despite how frustrating some of these replies must be.

I keep telling myself I'm being criticized by a bunch of people who have obviously never raised children. :)

As someone much earlier than you in the process of raising children, I appreciate your insight and thoughtfulness. And as a human who was raised by people with similar insights and thoughtfulness, I appreciate you understanding and standing up for your kids.

My own parents were pretty horrible. I've been determined to do better. Part of that is respecting them for who they are, not resenting them for who I wish they were. As I've said elsewhere, I really admire my son's ability to focus on what actually matters to him, even if I also worry that it may cost him in the future.

You sound like a solid parent and a patient person. IMO it’s a meaningful achievement that your kids want to maintain a close relationship with you.

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