The roads in new developments are built by the developers. I'm not sure these roads have much to do with deciding to drive to work or take the train.
Yes, its true that most interstates are rural. Of course that is true. I'm sure that its 95% rural. That's the nature of a network that connects all of the major cities in the country. And this 95% is probably a lot less relevant to whether you decide to live in the suburbs than the much more expensive part. Of course, your edit about the cost of the SF road acknowledges this very fact.
Its also true that in dense urban areas, interstate highways make up a fraction of the roads used for commuting.
Highways that must be put through existing neighborhoods are very expensive. And that's where highways to the suburbs had to be built. Usually by forcing other people from their homes. A lot of the true costs of building roads is hidden in pollution too.
The cost to build something is not the only cost. Roads have to be maintained, snow removed and potholes filled.
All I'm saying is that growth would be much more organic and justified if those getting the benefits of sprawl paid its costs as they went, instead of receiving a subsidy that distorts things.