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There is an AI to "IF statements" chrome plugin.

https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/ai-to-if-statement...

"Graphics cards doing statistics"

"Glorified text munging" sounds about right, lately. Maybe a random alternation between that and "Hopped-up Markov chaining".

"AI," "machine learning," "modern," "blazing fast," and "for humans" for me.

machine learning is fine, it's meaningful technical term at least. AI doesn't mean anything

AI is a technical term with a specific meaning:

> Computer science defines AI research as the study of "intelligent agents": any device that perceives its environment and takes actions that maximize its chance of successfully achieving its goals.[1]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_intelligence

yeah, but these days AI is applied to anything related to machine learning. most of current AI is supervised learning, which doesn't fit your description