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Comment by ascar | Hacker News Reader

I'm curious, if NVC goes for indirect instead of direct conversation.

I was working in an American company (I'm German) and had to learn to adapt to the style of being too nice (in my opinion). E.g. an "it might be better to do it like this", wasn't really meant as a weak suggestion, but a strong one. Something completely counterintuitive to my German mindset. I took it as a "might" and was met with negativity that I didn't exactly follow the "suggestion".

I much prefer language being direct at work. Treat the subjunctive as what it is: expressing uncertainty, not politeness.

I know however that many people, especially outside of Germany, prefer the indirect language, even though they learned to understand it with the same meaning as the direct speech.

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Memory suggests NVC has some pretty nasty things to say about people who "suggest" things and they later turn out to be orders. Heading 4 of the fine article is the relevant one, bit it actually gets Requests vs. Demands wrong based on the telling of it I heard.

My understanding based on a YouTube video I watched many years ago is that a request is either fulfilled or not fulfilled, and that is the end of it. A demand is backed up by some sort of threat, like threat of a negative reaction. The key was that to distinguish a request from a demand was impossible based on the language used. It was only detectable by the reaction if you don't act on it.

So, ironically "Go get me a beer" can be a request but "do you think it is a good idea to open the window?" might be a demand, depending on what happens on a flat "No".

Nothing in NVC says you have to be nice, and I'm not sure it takes a position on direct or indirect. But a negative response from not following a suggestion is exactly the sort of violence that NVC is trying to avoid.

>Memory suggests NVC has some pretty nasty things to say about people who "suggest" things and they later turn out to be orders.

I believe it is: If you make a request that is denied, and you are upset about it, then it wasn't a request, but a demand disguised as one.

I must strongly disagree. NVC stressed the importance of specific observations — genuinely, I can't see how you can be more direct than that.

Most people never get to specifics and stop at generalities. That would be my definition of indirect.

It is a specific suggestion based on the language used. However it was found to be a specific demand. Super passive aggressive.

I definitely prefer the direct style when it comes to features, tasks, and deadlines. If someone is too indirect then they are more likely to bury the lede, not mention the deadline or a critical dependency, etc.

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