That's fair, I've come across those types of scenarios as well, but trying to solve them during docker build seems like you're giving yourself, and inheritors of your docker image a lot of unnecessary extra work. Shouldn't those processes be solved independently of the docker daemon, and the results fed to Docker when it's ready for them?
You are right regarding inheritors. Creating a docker-hub image has differnent requirements than creating images for your private environment.
That said, if what you've put together has solved problems for your team, maybe it will for others, so don't let my incredulity spoil anyone else's curiosity who reads these comments later.
You have a good point, here. Thanks for the responses and helping me understand your work a bit better!