Would you be willing to share more? What triggered it? And what were your symptoms like?
I spent a lot of time lost in what felt like a deep metaphor / parable.
One time I thought my gf as an alien from another star system; when I looked out at the city of Madison, WI I saw present day Madison but also an overlay of an ancient city — it felt like this was some sort of eternal city that always was.
I walked into a church and saw the priest was a vampire.
I had a conversation with a time traveling Albert Einstein at an airport in Boston.
At times it felt like childhood make beleive, there was still a tether back to reality but I was deep in the other realm.
At times terrifying. Flights into the depths of hell and judeo-Christian mythology.
I was also in and out of suicidal depression.
Somehow I also managed to start a number of projects and get lots of press and even some investment, but I couldn’t keep anything going sustainably.
A few years ago I was at wits end and had a vision that guided me to start feeling my emotions.
That led to Psychedlic therapy, Somatic Therapy and Breathwork.
It also led to a new context for relationship and learning how to navigate love induced psychosis and coming out the otherside more healed.
Eventually I was able to get underneath the symptoms.
I found abuse in my childhood, dishonest and narcissistic care givers, a school that couldn’t hold my high IQ, bullying, etc.
I was also always fascinated with technology, psychology, shamanism, the occult, Psychedlics, personal development from a very very early age... sometimes this feels like my purpose.
Anyhow, I’m symptom free, healthier than ever, in love and engaged, running a fairly full transformational coaching practice (supporting unicorn founders and other creative minds), building an eco village island at Majagual.org and have no need for medications.
Western Psych said I’d be on meds for the rest of my life. Turns out I followed the path of others like Jung - going mad and then creating your own tools and frameworks to find your way back out.
Glad you're a good sport about it now :).
Very cool to read this, thanks for sharing. If you did want to share any more, I'm curious as to what the initial symptoms were, thanks.
It's hard to say what the original symptoms were. It was like I was solving a riddle of sorts. I was getting signs from all over the place that built on one another. There was a growing sense of excitement inside, sort of like I was on the cusp of some massive discovery. The process of being on the highway to see my girlfriend (I was driving from Edinboro, Pa down to Wake Forest) was all very logical to the view I was holding.
It was sort of like a vision from the early 90s video game spy hunter -- where you power up by driving into the back of the semi.
I recalled seeing signs on the semi that said if you can't see the mirrors the driver can't see you. I got caught up in a dream like sequence of looking at his mirrors and being pulled into the back of the truck.
It was actually a state of ecstatic bliss from what I recall -- like a spiritual orgasm. I felt like I needed to have 100% faith and that if I believed it would work. It was a transcendent state of consciousness.
When I hit the back it was like a shock back into reality. There I was on the roadside, lost, afraid, the truck driver very angry with me.
The police showed up and I just told them the truth. They were puzzled and told me to go home (they called my parents).
I tried to drive back home very disoriented. I stopped at a motel to get my bearings and ended up in a weird scene that felt like Mary & Jesus at the manger -- very Judeo Christian.
I had a lot of guilt about having a beautiful girlfriend -- like I was shallow or something. And for some reason thought I was meant to fall in love with this woman at the motel who I was not attracted to.
When I got home my mom took me to see a psychiatrist. He said it could be schizoaffective disorder or perhaps was something triggered by using psychedelics the previous summer (I had some very beautiful and profound life-altering experiences while on Phish tour.)
When I met Rick Doblin (Maps.org) I shared this experience with him. He sniffed out that I hadn't fully integrated the experience and he pointed out that I was falling in love, and that when you fall in love it is sort of like teleporting -- that you have this deep connection to this other person.
He helped me make sense of that experience and it was as if something in my soul relaxed.
There were elements that felt like tripping.
The thing was, there was a lot of baggage from my childhood that I never dealt with. I stuffed a lot of emotions inside. I was a very sensitive and smart kid and never really felt like the family or society I was in understood me or knew how to support my growth.
I ended up just not talking to anyone about what was going on as I didn't want to take medication.
I found Ultimate Frisbee sophomore year and that helped a lot in terms of giving me a new identity, a community and helping me use my energy. I got healthy, quit smoking and within a couple years was actually invited to compete in the World Games.
Things continued though -- I would still have terrifying visions or get lost in thoughts. I'd have fantastic manias.
In general, I think that I was fortunate to have supportive parents and to be creative and charismatic enough to "get by" and not end up on the street. I did make it through college and grad school (psychology and urban planning).
It wasn't until I fell in love with a woman in med school for psychiatry that I would revisit the idea something might be off - I had just acclimated to life and thought that was it.
Though I ultimately rejected the mainstream ideas about what I should do, I made the diagnosis a dharma not a dogma, and tried to work with what I did know.
I really thank MDMA with being the difference that made the difference. It allowed me to feel my feelings fully and to think that for the first time in my life that I was loveable and a good person. That started me on a path of healing and integration.
Anyhow, more than you asked for but hope this was helpful!
But it wasn’t until I got back to NYC that I really began to heal.
A prominent psychotherapist in the valley, who is a friend, took a walk with me once and said "Guys like me spend thousands of dollars to go into the jungle and drink plant medicine to experience the states of consciousness you can access by looking into someone's eyes or breathing in a certain way. There isn't anything wrong with you, but you do need to learn how to work with this gift."
That was very much true. I needed to learn to return back to my body and to material reality and to be able to interface with things in a practical way.
This island journey has been a wild ride as well. We are heading down for the Full Moon Equinox March 18-21 and have room in the boat for a few more!