While I like the humour a lot...

I don't think Java is what is was about 8-15 years ago. I did a little at university in the late 90s, and have started working with it professionally just in the last three years. AFAICT the enterprise OO nightmare is over, and it's much more like working with python - pick some components and libraries that implement the details of what you need then build your business logic. With lambdas, streams, futures etc, it becomes quite straightforward and powerful.