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Comment by rb808 | Hacker News Reader

I really dont like bragging, but I've noticed in groups where no one is bragging or talking about themselves its really boring.

I have a bunch of really smart friends who do really interesting things and when we meet up its like what are you up to? Nothing much. Nothing interesting. Later you find out that they just visited Mongolia, another is learning Russian and the other built renewable power system for a holiday house they just bought, but they're too worried about bragging to bring it up. (exaggerated) Meanwhile I (and I'm guessing they) dont like social status but kinda disappointed they don't get loved much.

Meanwhile I have other asshole friends who talk about the new expensive kitchen he got installed and its actually nice to hate on him and have a decent conversation about it.

So I'm starting to rethink my views on bragging. Maybe its a good thing.

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I'm surprised the author quoted Why Nerds are Unpopular and didn't cite what I feel like is the most relevant part:

When there is some real external test of skill, it isn't painful to be at the bottom of the hierarchy. A rookie on a football team doesn't resent the skill of the veteran; he hopes to be like him one day and is happy to have the chance to learn from him. The veteran may in turn feel a sense of noblesse oblige. And most importantly, their status depends on how well they do against opponents, not on whether they can push the other down.

It is nice to be in a group where people can do praise-worthy things and be praised for them. And, as the conclusion addresses, it is nice to give praise when due. This norm can be eroded by braggers. But it can also be eroded by people taking any mention of an accomplishment as a slight.

For example, the Oxford anecdote seems like the author going out of his way to feel slighted and assume malice. The excited salesperson anecdote is similar. Do others have a duty to mask excitement out of worry that it could be interpreted as bragging?

One of the best habits I have adopted is muttering "good on them" and moving along when an emotion suspiciously similar to jealously starts bubbling up.

I disagree that the "external test of skill" is the direct cause of what makes it less painful to be at the bottom of the hierarchy. It's merely the membership in the group; to be an effective team camaraderie is important, so it will be pursued for its own goals, but there are other ways of camaraderie forming.

I (male) grew up in a neighborhood with several boys my own age. I was the nerdy/awkward &c. one and so I was picked on when it was just that group. However, I was absolutely part of that group, and I saw the difference that made both with my other equally awkward peers that lacked such a group, and my sister, who was less awkward, but had it much rougher.

That is so much more about attitude than bragging. Your smart friends have not been exposed enough or can't put their minds into the mindset of sharing things without maybe being afraid of sounding like a show-off. It could be hard to get them into habit of doing so but maybe if there was other people around who'd showcase the "more interesting" way of sharing things they'd slowly change their attitudes. It's hard to describe but I'm positive by slowly introducing elements of "bragging" or maybe in this case just sharing without care the situation would change.

It could also be that they just don't have strong enough rapport with you that they'd feel sharing all those things with you, I don't know. Maybe next time tease them with something along the lines "c'mon I know you've been up to something". But take your time, don't expect things to change immediately.

> I have a bunch of really smart friends who do really interesting things and when we meet up its like what are you up to? Nothing much. Nothing interesting. Later you find out that they just visited Mongolia, another is learning Russian and the other built renewable power system for a holiday house they just bought, but they're too worried about bragging to bring it up.

I love it how you used "Reflected Glory Bragging" (point 9) right here! It's great, I'm upvoting your comment :)

> So I'm starting to rethink my views on bragging. Maybe its a good thing.

I'm not sure sharing should be conflated with bragging. You can talk about things you're doing or building without being excessively proud or boastful.

You're conflating bragging and simply talking about oneself, which the article has painstakingly distinguished between. Bragging involves imposition, i.e. forcing something that isn't asked for. If I ask someone what they've been up to, its absolutely not bragging for them to actually talk about it.

This. I try to never brag, but I do it without realizing it sometimes. You are lucky to have such smart and humble friends! Unlike you, I am so much smarter than everyone I know irl. Just telling people what I had for breakfast, much less what I was working on while I ate it, literally makes people feel bad about themselves. I'd love to expand on this idea but you guys are smart just like me so I probably don't even need to explain anymore. I also need to get back to this calculation I am doing for my deep learning nueral network model to search for a possible newly discovered particle at CERN, where I work.

Bragging is one thing. Having something interesting to tell is another.

The problem here is not lack of bragging, but lack of a desire to share something that others would enjoy.

As usual, solving this for oneself, and always having something curious and smalltalk-worthy on hand can solve it for everyone around.

I've experienced the same. But I think you're highlighting the difference between push and pull sharing. Separately, the content of either method of sharing can be more braggadocious or factual. That said, I find people who need to brag usually push-share.

There's a lot of middle ground between misleading-downplaying and bragging.

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