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Your post may have been more revealing than you expected

Quite so. I'm not sure he realises his feelings on this are probably not shared by most people.

I'm not sure you accurately diagnose the degree of polarization in the population with ideas of resentment and hostility that are largely subconscious and tend not to surface until stress manipulates those repressed emotions into actually being confronted as eventually obvious explanations for actions undertaken with ulterior motives.

These feelings are universally shared, but only visible to most in times of scarcity and fear. When economies are bubbling along in mania, people tend to lose sight of the eventualities regarding unsustainable societies. It's easy for people to rationalize their actions as charity, benevolence, and empathetic concern when they themselves are rewarded daily for vocalizing the whitewash and justifying what should be by what is now. When the music stops and individuals are left to fend for a chance at a seat, the full intention of previous actions becomes apparent as if malice is not something definable by planned greed and desire but puppetered unknowingly by a more clairvoyant self that protects its fragile present with the blessing of moral amnesia.

I completely agree that people in general do not want to deal with near death elders , or elders who need caretaking. As of course this is a huge burden and very distracting. I’ve also dealt with this a number of times. It’s certisnly not fun or easy. BUT all the other undertone and reasoning (e.g. spite), I completely disagree with and do not think this is representative of the majority, or even a large minority.

I suspect the visitor logs at most nursing homes support anon's thesis.

I'll assume you are indicating that the visitor logs are often empty. Given that, I do not see how no visitors correlates to the families doing it out of vengeance or spite. In general, I feel the poster extremely amplified the reasons why people put family members in nursing homes. Based on this wording, specifically the paragraph about "letting them rot all drugged up... in a urine soaked room". This indicates a rather extreme, and I'd wager rare stance to take. I'm wondering if this is from their own anecdotal evidence.

I do know for sure nursing homes are definitely used to "remove a burden." Dealing with elders at that stage of life can very taxing, and many people would rather simply avoid it. They may even, as the poster hinted at, dislike their family member. However, even then I don't think they share as strong emotions as the poster.

I don't see much daylight between neglecting (apathy towards) family and vengeance or spite.

Whatever the case, I'd welcome research into attitudes towards eldercare. Right now, I feel like we're flying blind. For instance, I wouldn't be surprised whatsoever if GenX'ers (like me) would rather die than be warehoused. But no one I know is thinking that far ahead, having these discussions with their kids. Nor are our parents discussing this with us, now that it's our turn to be the care givers.

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For instance:

Family Involvement in Residential Long-Term Care: A Synthesis and Critical Review [2008]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2247412/

"... These collective findings have helped debunk the myth that families abandon their relatives in nursing homes or similar settings to die in isolation..."

To be honest, I'm probably far younger than most on this thread and it's quite easy to dismiss my naive interpretation of a system that may? have the best of intentions but fails to materialize the outcomes sought due to individuals without a greater collective understanding of all parts micro-optimize their own actions guided by intuitive emotional reactions to the detriment of those trying to be helped by creating incentives that retrospectively do have the anthropomorphized _persona_ of malice even if the individuals themselves are deluded only through incompetence and existential horror of viewing their own upcoming mortality through the lens of their decaying elders into thinking they're helping or are at most forced to accept the reality that the burden is too large for themselves and must resort to society for support in handling the situation and absolution of burgeoning guilt through dilution of responsibility.

If you happen to wonder "what went wrong with this guy that caused him to become so jaded?" and contend that "he doesn't speak for all of us, I'm different!" well I will say it is very true that I am sort of an anomaly in current sentiment. Most people do not like how I end up deconstructing the world I perceive and view my analyses as ususally extremist, having getting kicked out (or desperate attempts at 'rehabilitative' disciplinary action) of nearly every organization I've ever been a part of from gatherings of family and friends to Sunday schools and churches, scouting, schools, and companies alike. I realize due to the repeating pattern the problem is most likely seated in myself, but if you're listening you still may like to entertain the idea that the superficial gloss we paint the world in vain attempting to heal our souls could in fact only be concealing a necrotic core. Maybe not out of actual belief in such a situation, but only to check due diligence off the list and set your mind at ease that judgement of our times will be favorably looked upon and your decisions were made with principled reason rather than excuses of being led astray by deception.

"I realize due to the repeating pattern the problem ..."

Sure.

I reprogrammed myself. I chose to be positive, optimistic. It took years.

Life is a gift, every day a celebration. I rejected the recurring debilitating existential terror. I now find joy wherever I can, however I can, and do good works as able.

Good luck.

Depends on the culture too. Some of those "not sharing" those feelings belong to cultures that are OK with putting your parents there instead of taking care of them -- and think it's "for the better". Others wouldn't (statistically) let that happen, even if they have "busy lives" themselves.

(Another alternative of course popular in some cultures is to let them toil away even at 70 or more, and have them live alone and "independent", with the token visit).

Possibly, but the notion of a retirement home as a kind of prison or punishment seems to be rooted in pop culture.

Remember the running gag from "The Golden Girls" where Sophia, the oldest member of the cast, was often threatened to be sent back to the retirement home of hell "Shady Pines".

Holy wow. I can assure you that this is NOT what the majority of Americans who send elders to nursing homes think. It’s more often to simply avoid the burden; laziness rather than spite. Other major reasons are because their families aren’t properly equipped to take care of them. E.g. physically, mentally, financially, or non-existent family members.

Anecdotes based on my experience with mother working as nurse in nursing home, and being American.

It might laziness in some cases, but lack of time, or more precisely like of wanting to add “this” to our already busy day, would be more accurate.

Indeed. That was what I was trying to convey.

I emphatically agree.

The policy, cultural struggle I'm currently having is we won't let the elderly die in peace, with some dignity.

The growing acceptance of hospice and euthanasia, during my life time, has been very encouraging.

But what happens when people are kept alive after they lost their agency?

My immediate family has two people in a nursing home. The sicker of the two is essentially a vegetable and is not permitted to die (feeding tube, other heroic efforts). The some what less sicker is also trying to die, but at least still remembers his own name, can return greetings.

If either of these two men were lucid, they'd be livid to learn they're still here.

There's a guy down the hall who hasn't had any external contact in 11 years. No friends, no family. He's a complete vegetable. It's horrifying.

I've instructed my family that when I'm no longer able to converse, when I need someone to manage my hygiene, to let me die. I do not want to become a long term burden on the living.

I'm so worried about it, I've been researching ways to kill oneself, should the need arise.