10 times in 20 years. Wow. How do you deal with it? What causes your thing? How long does it last? Do you feel shame (I do) when depressed?
Most of it is internal, it flares up when I engage in things that aren't a natural fit for me. That could be related to interpersonal relationships, jobs, moving to a location that doesn't make sense or similar. Each year that passes I become more self aware and it let's me navigate this world a bit more effectively.
I am a very empathetic person, I don't do well with this "me, me, me" world. For years I would always put others in front of myself so that constantly lead to major flare ups. Self neglect is in no way a healthy approach to life. I am mildly allergic to capitalism and "the machine" which does complicate day to day life here in the US.
The length of each cycle depends on how many things are layered into the mix at any given time. It could last a few weeks to 3-4 months. Eventually I would just wear myself out until I was forced to make change.
Luckily I do not ever feel shame. I got lucky on that one. I don't really look for any external approval in life so it is easier to not get caught up in a negative loop regarding self-esteem, self-worth. There is no harsher critic of myself than me.
The last bout was fierce. After months of waking up feeling physically sick, I am finally getting through that but there are still triggers. (The weekly scheduled meetings, the "ding" from incoming emails, and similar lead to minor flare ups)
I think taking time to fully define success and what it means to you at this point in your life is critical. The more I go after $, the more unnatural it feels. I think many of us get sucked into this misguided notion that financial success=security/freedom, when in reality it is simply perceived that way. It is not a tangible, real thing.
Either way, you are acknowledging it and trying to figure it all out. Those are the hard steps, facing it and holding yourself accountable in some capacity (not in excess;)
Once you start making changes you will be empowered. Nobody can take that away from you, if it starts to dissipate that is on you. Fight for it. Run with it.
I hope to figure this out in my life.
What do you mean by physically sick? Can you interact with people normally?
Me me world is difficult for me too but also because I find it difficult to handle stuff just by myself