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I’m okay with just listening, I can avoid problem-solving, though it helps to be given some cue to avoid it. I have a much harder time with being expected to say something that’s not problem-solving but still somehow helpful; it’s like the problem has been handed over to me but I’m denied the tools to do something about it.

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This where I tell couples "it takes a village". In a healthy working "village" there is always someone around who will compensate for weaknesses in both partners that aren't easy to fix. Modern couples have this highly misguided notion that between themselves they can work their way through complex things they aren't trained to handle. The larger their support group (parents, in laws, family, kids, friends) the better the outcomes.

Yep. My tools for handling negative emotion are those of problem solving. If someone wants me to give any emotional thought to their issues -- that is, anything more than an expressionless "that sucks" -- then it's going to involve me thinking of solutions for the problem at hand. To deny me that is to force me to struggle with a difficult emotion I can't process for hours or days.

(To be clear -- I am glad to do that, when the problem doesn't have a solution! Death of a loved one, annoying co-workers, etc.)

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