You're the second person to mention that perl doesn't have pointers; references are not strictly speaking pointers but functionally very similar. I think it's pretty obvious those are what I was referring to, and disputing the naming seems like nit-picking.
Many of PHP's basic functions do not return objects, therefore method chaining frequently doesn't work. It would have been more correct to say that I want "everything is an object" to be a feature of the language.
Lambdas only recently turned up in PHP (though I'm pleased to see them!). My point is that in PHP these features are being shoehorned in late in life, and it seems like a language which was designed with the expectation of these features would be a better choice at this point.
And finally, yes, I want a language that assumes everything I will be building is an MVC web app, and builds the necessary infrastructure at the language level, with the performance and stability gains that implies, rather than having it built as a framework on top of the language. It seems weird, I realize, but no more weird than PHP seemed in 1995, with its assumption that everything you'd be writing was a web page.