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Comment by throwaway713 | Hacker News Reader

Before we got married, my wife said she would move with me to California if I ever got a good offer from a major tech company.

This year I got an amazing job offer, and my wife threw a giant fit, told me she's not coming, and said "I took a gamble and lost. I never thought you would actually get an offer".

Now she's refusing to get a job, wants me to continue paying for our house that she's living in on the east coast (in addition to rent for my apartment in the Bay Area), wants me to pay for 20 flights per year across the country so she can visit friends and family, and has called me every mean name in the book.

So my career is going great but my marriage is falling apart.

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Please be very careful with your next move. Unless there is a huge reason to stay (children, sick parents) then you really should think about what marriage is for you. We don't know you but no loving spouse is going to do that to their partner unless there is an unstated reason on her part. Ask lots of questions.

It's over. You can either admit it now or wait. But from experience I'm telling you it's over. This is your one life. One trip around the stars.

I agree entirely. That sounds like an absolutely unhealthy relationship if she couldn't be honest with you in the first place regarding where she stood on relocation if you got a job. She basically called your bluff and lied to you, betting (wrongly) that she'd not have to pay it out.

When my first company went down the crapper my now ex-wife said "you had your chance. We are never doing that again. You will get a job like the rest of the world." But before we were married she and I talked often about entrepreneurship and building things and how my path was different. Our marriage was over at that point, but it wouldnt end for several more years. Wasted time.

This. The only decision you have to make now is how much more suffering you would like to endure. A lifetime more - or a chance to have your own life back into your own hands someday...

Being in a bad marriage is like being that poor mouse in 'An American Tale'. Looking wistfully up at the night sky, thinking "Somewhere, out there..." (there is a life that doesn't resemble hell / a distorted version of expected reality).

Obviously, I'm making a leap here that you aren't some kind of monster or what-have-you and you don't deserve any of this. ; )

I would say that even if she has a 180 degree change of mind and wants to go to the Bay Area, you should still opt for divorce. You have uncovered that your partner is childish and irrational.

I will also say this since no one else is: now is the best time to get divorced from a financial perspective, as your earnings are about to go up. Get out now and find someone you want to be with for decades to come...

childish and irrational

Aren't we all.

Thank you for having the guts to speak out about your situation. It is quite easy for strangers to tell you what to do but real life is always more complex than that.

Listen to your body when you think about your options. It is way ahead of the thinking mind and already knows what feels best.

Just don't care about the career. Be happy. Rethink if you can be with this woman you cannot trust anymore. Life is much more than just a nice job.

Man, I’m sorry to tell you so, but you are not married, she is just taking advantage of you. But, believe me, you are very, VERY, lucky. Better to understand where you stand sooner rather than later...

You didn't told us what it taught you.

It taught me that people react differently in stressful situations than they say they are going to.

Also, when I was growing up, my parents always said "divorce is wrong; you can always make a marriage work if you try hard enough". Interestingly, they've completely flipped on that opinion now that they've heard how I'm being treated, but I guess I'm still "brainwashed". If I didn't have these irrational moral qualms, I would have ended the marriage by now.

Has she visited the Bay Area for more than a week? You might win her over if she likes it enough.

If she doesn't and you value working at the offered position in that location more than your relationship (I know, it's hard to think in those terms but be honest with yourself).. The other commenters might be on to something.

Moving to the other side of the US is like moving to another country in some aspects. She didn't qualify your original question as realistic, and didn't give you an honest answer. It's understandable - but now you're the one who needs to re-evaluate what you find more important.

Best of luck with it, I'm sure in time you'll be happier than you will be in the short term! Just be decisive and don't drag things out one way or another. And remember, grudges are heavier than forgiveness.

>> have these irrational moral qualms, I would have ended the marriage by now

A twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome, trust me. That nagging feeling that says, "I don't want to rock the boat and be the bad guy", will not move you forward in life.

Doing the long-term mental gymnastics of "Things will get better if X happens or Y turns up", is just wasting more time.

Edit: Please don't read this as negative. But having been there, and having spent way too long pondering the situation... It breaks my heart to hear of those currently living through it.

Wow I'm sorry, but congrats on the job offer.

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