> I'm sure the speed is awful. But that's not the point.
Fair enough. I can appreciate that you have done an interesting bit of hackery here. Along that vein, you might consider adding support for uniform access. With this, methods without arguments can be called as properties, and properties could be exposed as read/write or read-only.
> Also, type hinting isn't all it's cracked up to be in PHP.
This is a matter of taste, but I completely disagree. In my opinion, type hinting is one of the redeeming qualities of the language. It means that PHP is taking care of the sanity checks for you. Of course, I'm partial to strongly typed languages.
> The main problem I have is that you can't pass a decorator object to type hinted methods.
Polymorphism allows you to do this. In the context of decorators, that usually means defining an interface.