Hacker News Reader

Comment by kmbriedis | Hacker News Reader

And what if it is not your fault?

One thing I learned from "Winning friends and influencing people" is that when there's an argument, start by pointing out the things you agree with. "Yes, there was a bug. Yes, a bug caused it to freeze at an inopportune time. I agree that this was a terrible thing you went through."

Focusing on the "yes, I agree" areas helps you to connect with them and get on the same side. From there, they will be much more willing to reciprocate by listening to your side of things.

You are missing the point that in the moment one can not even remember what they have planned to do in that situation.

That's the gist of what the author was saying, and he also goes on to recommend memorizing something in advance and then walking away. I too get this "can't process verbal and emotional at the same time," but I have found that I can at least be aware of "this is one of those challenging situations." From there I can go through the motions of the "agree" strategy, and stumble my way back to my feet from there.

Maybe it wouldn't work for the author, but I've found success with it.

often fighting over who should be saddled with "The fault" is not useful.

[edit]

To be clear, this is not about some new age pacifism. Sometimes looking for someone to blame is a knee jerk reaction, sometimes placing blame is a calculated manoeuvre. In both cases, often, it is not good strategy to face the "attack" head on.

Then you point that out.

The whole point of that part of the talk is that in that moment, you aren't capable of reasoning about the situation or responding in a useless way. You're stun-locked!

This is the whole self awareness thesis -- now you know that this is how you respond, and this is a strategy to deal with it.

Don't get hung up on introvert and extrovert traits. They're not relevant to the message.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com