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Comment by bhnmmhmd | Hacker News Reader

Loneliness is: - When you try so hard to make friends and still they ignore you.

- When you know you have some really good qualities and characteristics, but are not appreciated for them.

- When you realize you're not important to other people; whether you go to school/work/university tomorrow or not doesn't affect others and they won't notice.

- When you see all those couples around you and in the street, and think about "what's wrong with me?" and "why don't I have something like that?"

- When you realize you've put in too much effort and enthusiasm to help people and make contact with them, but haven't received much in return; as if you were just a tool for them.

- When you just want to spend your time with a person and realize they don't like spending their time with you.

- When you are too alone that you don't even know where to begin in order to stop being lonely.

This is what fking loneliness feels like.

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"- When you see all those couples around you and in the street, and think about "what's wrong with me?" and "why don't I have something like that?""

Unfortunately, and I count myself in this, a lot of people are unwilling to take that deep look inside to be able to answer that question.

You dont necessarily have to take a deep look into yourself. Instead, imagine meeting yourself and ask yourself whether or not the person you are now is worth putting time and commitment into. If not, why not? Then work on fixing the parts of you that you dont connect with.

By definition (and I share the original post's issues above), a subject in this state is already far enough out of calibration that they cannot self-diagnose issues, let alone work towards correcting them. Also, maybe there aren't actual problems with the subject themselves, but rather with the environment in which they are trying to operate.

As with so many things, any defects must be measured from a wider scope within which comparisons can be made. Corrections can also be incredibly difficult or just costly, if a positive direction can even be identified.

If a guy is very lonely, his chances with women will be nearly zero because he will reek of desperation (and women can smell that a mile away). Fixing a tough situation like that requires a lot of time, effort, and courage. One method for overcoming loneliness is to take some dance lessons and learn to dance. Dance provides an in-your-face experience with plenty of women which should go a long way towards ending that vibe of lonely desperation.

>Also, maybe there aren't actual problems with the subject themselves, but rather with the environment in which they are trying to operate.

This is possible, but I've found many/most adults are observant enough to comprehend their incompatibility with local culture. However, a smaller percentage of them attempt to do anything about it (e.g. too apathetic, depression, etc.).

>By definition (and I share the original post's issues above), a subject in this state is already far enough out of calibration that they cannot self-diagnose issues, let alone work towards correcting them.

I disagree. I would split these people into two groups: Those who have self awareness and those who do not. And then, those in the self awareness group would be split between those who are ready to attempt change, and those who are not. This is harsh, and I hope I'm wrong: I think the non-self-aware are incapable of being helped or changing. I think that's the group you are referring to.

[Note: this assumes we are talking about the subject of the OP/article. More so than less psychologically healthy lonely adults]

That's good advice, but unfortunately I've come to realize this doesn't work. Simply because I don't have the mindset of the opposite sex; I'd care about things that only matter to me (and other guys), not things that a girl would find interesting.

Men and women are more similar than you think and telling yourself that you don't have the mindset of "the opposite sex" already sets yourself up for defeat.

It's however true though that men and women operate in very different social contexts and that can be hard to navigate. A lot of forming a relationship with anyone is becoming mutually comfortable enough to escape such contexts.

You don't necessarily have to find someone that cares about what you find interesting ... you have to be willing to put yourself in a situation in which you experience something you wouldn't find interesting at all. Obviously I'm not saying that you have to dispose of your interests, nor am I saying that it's not possible to eventually find mutual interests (nor am I saying that it's impossible to find a partner that shares your same interests); but that by limiting your potential connections to only things that you find interesting, you by-definition limit your scope.

To give an anecdote ... me and my wife are about literally the most opposite of people. She likes almost nothing that I like, and in many ways, vice-versa (opposites attract, as they say). I've gone to my share of nights out clubbing with her (which I mostly dislike, other than being with her), and she's endured way too many a geeky discussion. Eventually we settled into a groove and found mutually interesting interests :)

>Unfortunately, and I count myself in this, a lot of people are unwilling to take that deep look inside to be able to answer that question.

Often enough, it simply boils down to being unattractive. People automatically like you if you're attractive. People do not automatically like you if you're unattractive, you have to work for it.

Lord, that is the truth.. and I think this is a large part of 'ageism'.

Plenty of ugly people have dated fairly attractive partners. There's much more to attracting a mate than simply being attractive (although it does help).

You're focusing on outliers.

I know everything you're saying. It gets better; your life can change for the better and probably will.

> When you are too alone that you don't even know where to begin in order to stop being lonely.

Here's one place to start: Take care of yourself; be your own best friend - it's essential regardless of how many others you have. Have compassion for yourself, accept that you're flawed like everyone else, and do good things for yourself.

And then try having compassion for others. Don't think of them in relation to yourself, as friends or not friends, but as people with their own lives and problems and vulnerability. Listen to them; accept they will be flawed in how they act, that it is not because of you, and that they still need compassion and love just like you do. They may not show their vulnerabilities and needs, but I guarantee it's true.

That can help put you in a much healthier (and happier) place.

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