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François Rabelais did a thorough explanation on the best ways to wipe back in hist late 15th century books (don't remember which one exactly, sorry). After discussing the virtues of various sorts of leaves, hay, moss, he concludes that the best wiping material is a small, soft bird. :)

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I thoroughly enjoyed your comment so I did some Googling around, and found this gem straight from the man himself:

|'I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen… I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs.' http://qi.com/infocloud/geese

Not just a small bird, but a whole goose neck! XD

I've found the original text which uses "oison", actually the gosling, so we're both right :) . Many of the words in this text were, as usual with Rabelais, written in French for the very first time. The whole text is incredibly satiating, reading it aloud naturally fills both the mouth and the belly with this incredibly coarse tongue, and provokes roaring laughter.

http://mapage.noos.fr/crosin000v/Rabelais/Extraits_fr_Rabela...

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