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I don't think debt by itself can destroy a relationship. Lack of proper communication can. I had under $50k debt from my undergrad (international student, double the cost of tuition) and my wife had none. My masters was being paid by my employer while she would be taking about $80k in loans to pay for her medical masters. We were upfront to each other about our obligations and plans of repayment.

I've paid off almost all of my debt and she will take care of hers once she graduates. Even if we both had 100k+ in debt, it wouldn't make a huge difference to our standard of living. We'd simply be paying off debt instead of adding to our savings.

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I truly believe that debt by itself can destroy relationships. You speak as a person who has the prospect of actually paying it off. What if your partner coming into the relationship has a lifetime debt that cannot be paid off at you and your partner's forseeable income level far into the future, until your 80 and 90's? Would you want to be paying debt for your entire life?

For someone who has the ability to make 80k a year, debt seems like something that can be managed away. If you have no hackerly skills, and work at minimum wage (like a large number of north americans these days) - what hope do you have of maintaining a relationship that is purely controlled by a debt collector?

> Would you want to be paying debt for your entire life?

For the love of my life? I'd work 3 jobs and work overtime.

This is a false dichotomy. There are many people you could love.

Can't you do a personal bankruptcy, if the debt is overwhelming you?

That is the beauty (for the lender, that is) of the american student loan system: they are mostly immune to bancruptcy of the borrower, see for example http://chronicle.com/article/Lawmakers-Introduce-Bills-to/65... for the current discussions.

You and your wife have made several key decisions that indicate you are on the same page with money and will be successful:

1. You will live on less than you make 2. With the extra money, you will pay off your debt. 3. Once done with that, you will build up savings so you won't need to borrow for emergencies.

You correctly point out that communication is the largest issue here. However, before these couples can even communicate about their financial situations, they will need to understand them first. I think that anyone that does not have at least a vague understanding of what their financial situation is not yet mature enough to be married.

Really important observation. Glad you deflated the sensational headline.

Debt is a big deal. But we're all carrying around big deals, one way or another. The important part is being open and honest with yourself, so you can be open with the person you want to share your life with. Eastman was avoiding the truth of her situation, which screwed both herself and her fiance.

You could just as easily say "How having prior children can ruin budding relationships." And sure, they can discourage them. But a relationship where the kid situation is known up front is very different from a relationship where the kid is disclosed a few weeks before the wedding.

Then again, no amount of communication is going to completely negate the blow of someone with $200k or more debt who does not plan to earn enough to pay it off. There's a lesson in that . . . something like, "Don't buy expensive things unless you're sure you want them and can pay for them."

I mean, yeah. There's debt and then there's debt. But if you've got any chance at all of succeeding, you need to talk about this sooner rather than later.

Well, I think one of the distinctions that has to be made is investment debt vs consumer debt. OP for this thread is talking about debt for education (an investment), which typically comes with the expectation that getting that education will increase their earning capacity. The scenario you describe implies consumer debt. Someone with $200k in consumer debt is a very different animal from someone with $100k in education debt.

> I had under $50k debt from my undergrad (international student, double the cost of tuition)

For some perspective, 1 year of undergrad at CMU this year (tuition + room and board) is now $50k.

That's insane. I'm at Waikato University, New Zealand, and we pay around NZD13000 (~= USD9000) a year

Many private-university students receive nontrivial scholarships. And if you study a technical field at CMU you're unlikely to have trouble paying back the loans.

I graduated CMU in May. I have quite a bit of debt, but got a good job straight out of school and aim to have the debt paid off in a year by living like the graduate students I live with.

That's insane. I'm in Sweden, all university tuition is free.

Not only that, also, the government pays for university study.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Student_benefit

(Though realistically the total sum is only enough for paying rent, so most people still end up having to work somewhat during their studies.)

No, it's not free. It's paid for by the taxpayers.

What if you find yourself essentially wedding your way into a mountain of debt? By legally binding yourself to that person, don't you become jointly responsible (and culpable) for their finances, including past debts?

No, you don't become legally responsible for any debt you didn't sign for (that's true for your parents as well as your spouse). However, in the event of a divorce, the court will divide up the debts as well as the assets and assign them to both parties. This is certainly fair for debts that were incurred during the time the couple was married. Debts incurred before the marriage would be handled like assets brought into the marriage; in general, an effort will be made by the court to restore individuals to their pre-marriage state.

That said, marriage is about two people joining their lives together into one, and that means combining your financial lives as well. That means it's our income, our cars, our debt. Disagreement about money is one of the leading causes of divorce. In separating your finances, you are prone to living more like roommates than a married couple.

No. this is discussed in TFA.

At least from what I read, TFA only discussed how the debts relate to divorce.

Depends on the state. In most, assets and liabilities acquired prior to marriage remain with the individual.

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