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Comment by leaveyou | Hacker News Reader

>a postdoc 10 years her senior put his arm around her

>My friend was spared having to spend her (already scarce) social capital on wiggling out of this dude's arm

Is it really that difficult and "costly" for the woman in this situation to get herself out of this like a grownup ? Just saying politely "hmm, I think there is a misunderstanding.." while she gets up and changes place herself ? A message like that is clear and polite and establishes clear boundaries. I think it's ridiculous and weird to ask all the males to be aware of the relationship dynamics of their female colleagues and anticipate at which point they feel harassed and intervene. Seriously.. and what's next ? Women intervening when other women flirt with a male colleague ?

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Have you never been in a situation where a women, at a bar or other social event, being corned by a man, looks over at a nearby friend with the expression “help me?” If you’ve seen it, it’s not subtle.

I have often seen this scene unfold. So why don’t women in such situations simply tell the man to fuck off?

Well, even an average sized man is still many kilograms larger than the average woman. So rather than risk getting knocked out, the average women’s instincts probably tell them to de-escalate the situation and get away.

To expect all women in such situations to directly confront their agressors, I think is to expect people to directly reject their basic survival instincts.

If someone is clearly being harassed (like I said, look at the face, the expression is not subtle), it only makes sense to offer the victim an easy exit.

>Well, even an average sized man is still many kilograms larger than the average woman

>To expect all women in such situations to directly confront their agressors..

I think you are replying to the wrong comment or the wrong thread.

It costs energy to correct people that are overstepping your boundaries. Even more so doing it in a way that does not get you labeled 'uptight' or 'bitchy'. It also diverts your thoughts and resources to finding a way to feel safe and secure, instead of working and socializing at a conference.

I know, I'm a human too..

I'm sure that someone telling an academic jerk "I think there is a misunderstanding" also happens, but I doubt I would have the patience and strength to always do that when it happens often. Also, someone else saying it has a greater impact on changing the overall harassment culture than if just the victim themselves said it.

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