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Comment by philwelch | Hacker News Reader

As someone who had a close personal relationship with a borderline for years: get out. A divorce will be nasty, particularly with a borderline, but a lifetime spent with such a person will not be a happy one.

With any kind of mental health, the person “suffering” from it has to be the one who wants treatment, and with BPD, most of the suffering ends up outsourced to others, which eliminates that motivation.

I know this is hard to hear, but part of BPD is an inability to form healthy relationships. The flip side is that it takes two people to maintain an unhealthy relationship. You’re not helping her by staying in this marriage; at best, you’re enabling her and at worst, you’re suffering from her mental illness at least as much as she is.

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This advice is pernicious and self-serving bullshit.

You don't know the poster or his/her wife.

You don't know the wife.

You don't have anywhere near enough information (unless you think a BPD diagnosis or suspected diagnosis is in itself sufficient information, in which case you're contradicted by a very well established line of research going back a number of decades; see links I've posted elsewhere in this thread) to assess the poster's wife's mental state or likelihood of recovery.

Your comment completely misunderstands how BPD works and completely misrepresents the likelihood of recovery. I understand that you may need to prove to yourself that you made the right call by cutting off someone with this disorder in the past, and maybe you did -- but that isn't epistemic justification for the very conclusory advice you're offering the poster.

Advice is directional, not absolute. Someone isn’t going to divorce their wife just because someone on HN told them to. They’re going to second-guess whether she has BPD and go through mental gymnastics, possibly for years, to avoid doing that.

If I’m going to give someone a nudge, I don’t need to nudge them to do that second guessing. They’re going to do that anyway. I need to nudge them to take the situation seriously and follow the logical consequences that follow if they are married to a borderline. If the wife is the rare borderline who actually cares to get treatment and overcome her BPD, I know that this guy is going to give her that second or third or nth chance because that’s exactly what I would have done in his place.

> I need to nudge them to take the situation seriously and follow the logical consequences that follow if they are married to a borderline.

No you don’t. It’s clear that the poster is already taking it seriously. Personal advice is ok but the tone should be considered more carefully, especially given that you have had negative experiences before (bias.)

> If the wife is the rare borderline who actually cares to get treatment and overcome her BPD...

Sheesh.

I called out my biases. What are yours?

When it comes to issues like this, there are people with biases due to their personal experience, there are trained mental health professionals, and then there are people who have neither the training nor the personal experience to know what they’re talking about. So I’d like to know which category you fall under.

He's right. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Every single person who has close experience with BPD people (and is not actively being entrapped) will advise him the same.

This sounds like splitting, exactly what a BPD would say. I am suspicious.

Splitting is also common among individuals who have upset personality disorder. Such a horrible disease; I can only hope we once live in a world where upset personality disorder is identifiable and treatable.

Upset personality disorder?

I guess it was a joke that splitting is a common human behavior and should not be qualified as a disease because someone overuses it.

How exactly?

I'd like to point anyone reading the above comment towards /r/bpdlovedones and /r/raisedbyborderlines. Then check out /r/bpd after that.

My oh my, r/bpd is an echo chamber. These people really think they're communicating and helping by feeling emotions or thinking about other people.

Divorce has been considered but I still think it is not the best option. I am a very patient and understanding person, at least, IMHO. Our children are happy and well adjusted. I think a divorce would be bad for all parties involved although maybe least bad for me.

To me, it seems the situation is manageable, especially now that I better understand what is going on. The suggestions I've received make me think I should try couples therapy.

You love this person. You’re already going to give them second chances and take any way out you can find. I don’t need to tell you to do that. All I can tell you is that once you are clear of a borderline’s sphere of influence and emotional manipulation, you will wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Philwelch, I think you and I need to have several beers.

More important than couples therapy is to get her to go to individual therapy. Though couples therapy may be a step in getting her there.

My brother is 32, still lives with mother, says she's a cerebral narcissist, blames her for everything. But still doesn't work, won't find a job. She cooks, washes the laundry. He won't even put the dishes into the dishwasher. But when he even senses that she's gonna ask him what his plans are, there's a 2-3 day barrage of insults and a laundry list of wrongs done do to him. So far, only zyprexa is preventing him from doing something stupid.

Yeah a divorce is one option, but why would it be the only one? Please read my comment about having kids with a BPD.

My father was in the exact same situation as you. He decided to stick it out, and still is. My mother was never diagnosed, will not get help, and has found new targets in my wife and brother-in-law. I have no advice but I feel your pain. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.

I'll agree, with the caveat that perhaps if the BPD person admits they have BPD, is in therapy, and is trying to get better... sticking around may be OK.

But it's no different than when someone has alcoholism or a drug habit. If they don't want to get better, get out.

This is the only hope, but I'm afraid one would have to put limits on the amount of time spent in a relationship and do some reflecting on their own life and goals. Realistically, is one willing to spend decades with a BPD in therapy hoping for good results? I'm just trying to guard against false hope.

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